You know, you have a lot of thoughts when you’re following your friend into a freezing lake the first weekend of March for charity.
These thoughts get particularly irrational when you have a fear of water and a violent aversion to cold.
So, I had to set some ground rules from the start. Because Kim felt compelled to ask how deep the water was where we were jumping. I’ve managed to live here for 10 years without that knowledge and I would like to continue living in a world where the bottom of the lake is a thing we don’t talk about. Like he who must not be named. Like, I need the comfort of knowing there is a bottom so that I won’t just fall straight to the center of the earth, but I also need to pretend that I’m not in something that actually needs a bottom.
Yeah, I don’t know either. I really can’t help you understand it.
“If y’all talk about lake bottoms and depth measurements, this isn’t happening.”
So, cool. We got that straight.
Finally down at the dock and Kim requires that I take the side most likely to cause someone to lose a limb.
Because she’s a friend.
We had a few stutter steps as my mom tried to force us in, so when Kim finally started a countdown, I wasn’t entirely sure she was going to commit once she hit One.
“So, do I just go? If I go and she doesn’t, I’ll be really pissed. But if she goes and I don’t, I’ll look like pansy. Is it really better to be pissed than a pansy? I mean, I’m kinda ok with name calling. I’ll just … oh, she’s really going. Ok. Go!”
Hit the water.
Before going in, my dad advised that the water temp was 47. Oh! Logically we thought it would be warmer in the water than it was outside. Psht. Easy.
Logic is stupid. 47 water degrees are not warmer than 35 air degrees. I think they’re measured in minus. I’m pretty sure it was minus 47 degrees in that water.
“What in the actual -??? This is not cold. This is a temperature I’ve never experienced this feeling before. This is beyond cold. This temperature doesn’t actually exist. This is Let It Go frigid arctic vampire Edward no human can survive cold.”
This was Kim’s idea.
Kim is the worst friend ever.
“Why am I still underwater? This is it. My body is shutting down and this is how I go. I’m never going to make it back to the oxygen. I don’t think I took in enough oxygen before I jumped. This is taking forever. Yeah, I’m definitely out of oxygen. How long do I have to wait before I panic? I’d hate to be freaking the hell out as I break the surface, but it’s becoming really clear that that’s never going to happen and freaking out seems like something I need to do before I die. I mean, I don’t want to be all laissez-faire about my death. Like, how did she look when you found her body? Meh. Like she wasn’t really concerned and maybe was looking forward to a long nap.”
“Naps are nice.”
Then all of a sudden OXYGEN! Sweet, sweet air.
In the video, you can hear me making a concerted effort not to swear as I break the surface and rush back to the dock. My mind was clear enough to remember that this was a fundraiser for my Girls on the Run and it seemed best to not swear on video for this event.
As I reached the ladder, I briefly thought I should be a considerate host and let Kim go first. But damn that. This was her stupid idea and she was a good half a foot behind me. Ain’t nobody got time to wait on her. My organs are shutting down.
So, this was the single worst experience of my life. (Like, I seriously didn’t expect it to be THAT bad. I knew it would suck, but that was a level of suck I hope to never experience again.)
But thank you to my AMAZING friends and family who have donated to my Chicago Marathon Girls on the Run fundraiser. Y’all got me over the $400 mark and I can’t thank you enough. I don’t even care that it’s because you wanted to see me cry. Which I didn’t. Or maybe I did. You’ll have to donate to see the video.
And if you’re into that sadistic watching other people in pain kind of thing, you can still donate to GOTR by clicking here and get the link to the video.
Or click here to donate to Team Cure It and Kim will send you a link.
Because you really need to see something that can make both Kim AND I do this: