Contracting Out My Life

Soooo, my friends have revoked my dating privileges. (Because apparently dating is a privilege? And not a chore? I don’t know.)

I do know that I can’t be trusted to make my own dating choices.

There is a long history of precedent for this decision. Not, like, a loooong history. I mean, not a particularly active history. Maybe way, way back it was active. Like, pre-kids active. But more recent history has been long, but relatively inactive. I just, you know, want to be clear that it’s not currently active. It’s not… Nevermind. Just .. precedent.

The issue seems to be that I am incapable of weeding out the crazy, insecure, clingy, demanding, controlling… Basically, I am incapable of not dating exactly the kind of man that will eventually make me crazy.

So I don’t get to have conversations with prospective dates anymore. Like, as soon as it becomes clear that some dude might potentially express some interest, I have to hand the conversation over to my Tarnished Girls. (There’s a legit reason for the name, but it’s probably pretty close to what you’re assuming so there’s no real reason for me to explain.)

I figure this is how most of these interactions are gonna go

Dealbreaker

So, basically, my dating life is just going to continue to be what it is. Nonexistent. Which I’m good with.

But it’s not just dating I can’t handle myself anymore.

It’s also my career.

Actually, career seems too strong a term for my methods of earning a living. And “earning a living” is also too strong a term for what is actually happening in my financial world. I sometimes manage to pay most of my bills. They get paid on a cycle. Each month, at least one of them gets to be late. But I pick a different one each month so that none of them feel too special.

I'm poor

Here’s the issue. I’ve applied to, like, 500 jobs over the last six months and I continue to be offered only part-time jobs. Where are they hiding all of the full time jobs? Seriously. I already have FIVE part-time jobs. And none of these can combine in such a way that I am making a full time income. How is that even possible???

And I’m about to run out of pre-paid activities. Like, once Blue Ridge is over, I’ve got Spartans (thanks to free entries via volunteering) and Chicago Marathon (thanks to y’all’s donations to my fundraiser…which is still fundraising…if you want to donate by clicking here) and a Ragnar (thanks to transcription work). But that’s where the well runs dry. I’m not sure you want to know me if I can’t do all the things. Especially if my friends get to keep doing all the things. I will get Ice Cube ugly if that happens.

tenor

So, my friends have determined that I’m giving off the wrong vibe. My vibe isn’t demanding enough. Or my vibe says that I can do all of the work in half the time. I guess, what, I’m too meekly capable? That’s my vibe?

At any rate, my badass runner chicks are gonna handle my career going forward. I really hope I still get to go on the interviews with them. I think it would be fun to watch. I’m picturing Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting.

Retainer

There are probably other areas of my life I should contract out. Hair and wardrobe. Food and drink. Let me know if you’re interested. I’m hoping that by the end of 2018, I’m no longer in control of any aspect of my world. Because adulting kinda sucks.

Too Much Responsibility

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