Diagnosis: Not Horrible

Went to the doc to get my running permission slip signed.

Trying to complete the new patient form and figure out how to rate my pain on a scale of 1-10, and running partner and I struggled to agree. I wanted to go with 4. He suggested a 10. I said childbirth was only a 6. No way any non life threatening pain was above an 8. So he insisted that I explain what he calls my skewed pain scale so that the doc would understand that my 6 is what a 10 is supposed to be, so my 4 is really an 8. And I said I refused to use the rest of the world’s overinflated pain ratings. And then we realized it was turning into the great applesauce stand off of 2018 (Lost: Boones Mill Version), so we decided it was just time to eat.

But anyway. I went to the doc today with my fully accurate, non-pansy 4 pain rating.

Walked the .75 miles to doc’s office from my office at job #3. In pain. As per usual.

I was a little concerned that I was making the walk in vain since the power in much of downtown Roanoke was out. Because of a squirrel. Which, if I don’t think about it too hard, might be kind of humorous. But, of course, I have to think about it too hard. So it’s pretty devastating.

But the power was back on at doc’s office by the time I limped there, so I was able to focus on me. Again. As per usual.

“So what brings you in today?”

“Running Partner said I had to. Or I’m not allowed to run again.”

“Ahhhh yes. I know all about what’s wrong with you.”

“Cool. Wait. What?”

“Let’s have you walk over here and back so I can check out your gait.”

“Cool. No one’s ever checked out my gait before…”

Do you know how hard it is to walk casually when you know you’re being judged? I mean, assessed?

This is where it kind of falls apart for me. Because when I get back from my casual walk of judgment, doc says, “Well, that wasn’t horrible.”

Well, good. Just what a girl likes to hear.

“So you walk with one shoulder higher than the other and your hips have no sway.”

My hips have no sway…

Then, because I wasn’t feeling vulnerable enough, doc demonstrates my walk. It was very much like how a hunchback would walk. It…wasn’t pretty. It was very…unpretty.

And my hips have no sway…

Basically I’ve been diagnosed as being the unsexiest chick in the world.

BUT I’m fixable. At least, my Achilles is fixable. Maybe even my deformed hunchback shoulder. Possibly even my swayless boy hips.

AND I can’t even care about being unsexy because doc says I’m allowed to run! Like, slowly and only ten miles a week, but still. Run!

I’m also supposed to do strength training. I assume to even out my massive deformed hunchback shoulders. And I’m required to warm up before runs. Like a nerd.

But whatevs.

I’m a runner again!

I even walked the .75 miles back to the office. In no pain. As per unusual.

I mean, the left Achilles pain is back in force now, but the rest of the pains are in hiding. Shamed, I assume, by doc’s hunchback walking demonstration.

My running partner says Kim can only have four of my ten miles each week. He thinks she’s gonna try to hog them all. And he’s only taking four. Because he’s met Kim and I and recognizes that I will very likely need that two mile cushion to find my way back out of the woods at some point.

I don’t really care who gets what miles, as long as I get all ten of them.

Because I’m not horrible.

One thought on “Diagnosis: Not Horrible

  1. Pingback: I’m Just Here For The Hot Tub – Shine My Way

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