Two Trail Rules

I have two trail rules: don’t follow me and don’t leave me alone.

And also bring snacks.

I don’t know why I have to keep explaining this.

I don’t know where I’m going. Ever. If you’re ever wondering, “Should I follow her? Does she know the way? Is she good?”

The answer is no.

I never, ever know the way.

I might find my way out of sheer will and refusal to not make it back to where the food is. But I never really know the actual directions to get there.

Those maps some of y’all people carry around in y’alls heads? I don’t have one. Or maybe I do, but it was drawn up by a five year old. With severe ADHD. Unmedicated. And probably a little ODD, too.

The dimensions are all wrong.

And the street signs look like horses. And North means left.

It’s tough.

But also kind of quirky and quaint.

I worked two jobs today. So I stopped for Chinese on the way home.

There I was in my sweats, slothing out on my couch surrounded by MSG and potato chips and beer, preparing for a night of gluttony and puppy cuddles…

Seriously.

And then my phone dings.

Shine Runners. 6pm. Miles and burpees.

*sigh*

Ok. But imma probably have to puke or poop on the trail. Maybe both. I’ve had a LOT of food in the last hour.

I don’t care. Be there.

Fine. I don’t wanna. But ok.

Because I can’t say no to the brutality of trail run burpees.

My Crew knows how to get me.

I’ve done this trail once or twice before. Despite Brooks Mill Winery being the closest monthly run to my actual home, I’m rarely in my actual home enough to make it there.

It’s a cool spot. Rugged, technical trails. Hills that feel like mountains. Delicious Brooks Mill wine at the end.

Maybe even some actual course markings…

But let’s remember that I’ve done this trail once. Maybe twice.

So, y’all know me, right?

I’ve done Chestnut Ridge Loop maybe 500 times.

But we all remember what happens if you turn me loose on that trail, right?

We all remember when Rogue and I went Running Unsupervised right?

I need supervision.

Always.

GJB knows this.

And we were fine for the first mile or so. Rocking out burpees and push ups every half mile. And at least a few others always join in. My people can’t not take on a challenge.

GJB calls it ultra training. To try to sucker a few more in. I call it Spartan training. Because that’s accurate.

But about halfway through this course that I thought was five miles, but is actually only three, GJB and Skratch found their energy stores while my body was still trying to figure out how to convert lo mein noodles into something resembling energy.

I went off course once. Tiny Brazilian directed me back on course by asking if we should be following the pink tape…

Well, sure. If you wanna be all trail perfectionist. We can follow the marked trail. Psht.

See? Supervision.

Another half mile and GJB and Skratch were really moving out of my line of sight. Apparently Skratch, being an actual gentleman and also knowing who I am as a person, asked GJB if I knew where I was going.

“She’s run this trail before.”

Dude. That’s not what he asked you. I could have run this trail 5,000,000 times before. Hell, I could’ve built this trail myself. This trail could lead directly from my bed to my refrigerator. None of this would mean anything.

I want to be very clear here.

I never, ever, ever know the way.

Never.

Ever.

Skratch knew. He waited. Made sure I made the necessary turn. Which meant that I got to watch him full on sprint, hands going hip pocket to ear socket, up the same hills that I was whiny crawl climbing. After he also busted out burpees and some ridiculous plyometric push ups.

It’s impressive.

I probably wasn’t resentful. I was probably mostly thankful that he waited for us and not totally focused on how much better condition he’s in than me…

But here’s the thing. We made it back to the winery. Did our last set of burpees and push ups. Enjoyed some delicious food and wine courtesy of our Brooks Mill Winery hosts. Got in some puppy cuddles. Added a few more adventures onto our 2019 calendars. (Including the Rocky Mount Hill Challenge on September 7th. Mark your calendars. Rocky Mount Hill Master is gonna create a Facebook event for me. Because he knows that’s the only way I’m gonna make it there.)

And then I left.

Unsupervised.

I live about twenty minutes from the winery. Fifteen minutes into my drive home I realized I wasn’t anywhere near my home. I wasn’t even in the same county as my home.

I’m not sure why I thought I could find my way back without GPS…

Overconfidence, man.

So, someone has to be responsible for ensuring my GPS is activated before I leave any group run locations.

Because seriously. I NEED supervision. Always.

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