Leg Day Lessons

I walked into that column today.

No one was around to offer me help. Although, there are several classrooms with windows facing those columns. I suppose every single student and teacher was so enthralled with the educational process that my general well-being wasn’t a concern.

Two days ago I walked into a different column.

That time there were witnesses all over the place. It was during class change. Students and teachers everywhere.

None of them asked if I was ok. They didn’t really seem to even notice. I was actually in mid-conversation with a student when it happened.

He just kept walking. And talking.

So, I may have mentioned already that May has been a rough month. We’re only 8 days in. I’ll probably be revisiting that theme a few more times before June hits.

It’s important that you understand.

I told a teacher today that I am about a split second away from tears at all times right now.

I wasn’t even exaggerating.

Work is … challenging.

By the end of the day today, I was desperate to distract my brain and my body from all the stress.

So I messaged Dorothy that PlayFITStayFIT leg day was on.

She scrambled to finish her laundry.

It makes sense if you’ve been to leg day. And understand where most washers and dryers are in two story homes.

When you go into the bathroom at this place, there’s this sign on the wall that you can contemplate while you pee.

Trying to wrestle off my too tight pants and wrestle on my sports bra, I felt neither strong nor beautiful.

And then leg day happened.

Sometimes I get a little cocky about leg day.

I mean, I’m a runner. Legs are really the only advantage I’ve got over the average person.

20 back squats? Psht. Easy.

Weighted lunges? Come on.

Sumo squats? Dude, where’s the challenge?

Sled pushes. Oh. Oh I see. There it is.

Me (pointing at the random 100 pound dumbbell sitting in the middle of the already properly weighted sled and trying to calculate the total amount of weight I was trying to push): “Um, I think this isn’t probably supposed to be here.”

J-Vicious (who had almost earned himself a nicer nickname until today happened): “Yep. Came that way. Keep pushing.”

Dude tried to explain physics to me when I started to pull the sled away from the super slippery floor that I definitely couldn’t get solid footing on. Something about common sense and weights tipping and eminent death. All I heard was Charlie Brown Teacher. Wa wa wa wa wa.

I never took physics.

One rule at PlayFITStayFIT, the only rule I’ve figured out so far, is that if you lose count you have to start over from one.

And then J-Vicious finds a freakin Beastie Boys station playing all of the songs from your high school days that you obviously have to sing along to. It’s a damn law. And obviously you can’t keep count and recall lyrics and dance moves all at the same time. I mean, you’ve walked into a damn column twice this week. Brain power is at a premium right now.

Dude. You’re just setting us up for failure!

But then my favorite fitness move.

Hip Thrusters.

Or as Dorothy and I like to call them, A Good Time.

If you’re unfamiliar with the proper technique, let me explain.

You lie as close as possible to another person. Doesn’t matter if you’ve met before or not. Make sure no random weights are in between you. This is all about connection. You each place a giant ball on top of your special alone time place. (Or special partner time place for people that have one of those. Whatever.) Then you make unwavering eye contact as you both begin to thrust your hips up and down. Up and down.

Focus is key.

Because remember, if you lose count, you have to start all over from the beginning.

I probably didn’t try to lose count on purpose.

Oh, and you can only whisper words. No normal voice talking. That’ll screw up the whole move. Just whispers. In your sexy voice.

Next time I’m gonna lie next to some of the other chicks I don’t know.

Inappropriate eye contact during strength moves at the gym is really the best way to make new friends.

And then it was back to all the squats and lunges and step ups and wall sits and I really was just trying not to puke in front of all the other badasses. And I totally didn’t.

But then, after Dorothy and I had that special moment of deep thrusting connection, Vicious made me lie on the floor, hold a dumbbell behind my head and my legs up in the air while he screamed at Dorothy to violently slam my feet into the ground.

Ok. Maybe I’m dramatizing a bit. Seriously, when he explained this particular partner exercise, I thought, “Psht. Easy.”

I picked up two weights and Dorothy, with panic in her eyes said, “ONE weight! We only need ONE weight.”

Me: “I was getting one for another couple. Just trying to be helpful.”

Dorothy: “Don’t worry about them! Put that down!”

And then, as I laid there trying to hold a 15 lb weight back behind me while she pushed my legs over, I understood.

J-Vicious: “Don’t let your feet touch the ground!”

Me: “Then tell her to stop pushing them! She’s pushing too hard! I want a new partner!”

J-Vicious (waking towards me): “OK”

Me: “No I don’t! No I don’t! No I don’t! I want Dorothy! I want Dorothy!”

Seriously, Dorothy and I looked like a couple of weeble wobbles in the middle of the gym floor.

When it was all over, as we walked out to our cars, we hit a few steps leading to the parking lot.

I wasn’t paying much attention, mostly focused on complaining about why my arms were so damn tired from leg day.

So I stepped down the first step like I was still a normal human with fully operational legs.

“Sweet Jesus. Why.”

I’m at home now. In bed.

Where I may very well be for the next few days.

I can probably coordinate tomorrow’s testing from here.

If someone will bring my computer upstairs to me. Because I don’t see me managing to get it myself.

The good news is I’m no longer thinking about work.

And I am feeling stronger and more beautiful than I was a few hours ago. I mean, the shower I took when I got home helped with the beautiful part. But let someone tell me I’m not strong.

No really. Go ahead and let them.

Ain’t a damn thing I can do about it right now.

It’s conceivable that I’m only lying here because I lack the strength to stand.

I’m basically Wesley.

This is my life now.

Send coffee.

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