I’ve gone to Tiny Brazilian’s 5am HIIT Class twice this week.
Which seems like a bad idea. On paper.
Because I live almost an hour from PlayFITStayFIT, this means I have to wake up at 3:30. In the AM.
3:30 in the actual morning.
I know. My people are known for waking up at dumbass times to go run mountains. 3:30 shouldn’t be such a challenge.
But come on. You know that no normal human is ever. EVER ok with waking up at 3:30 in the actual morning.
It really is one of the worst feelings in the world.
You know how it feels when you accidentally wake up at 5am on a day when you can sleep in so you roll on over and go back to sleep?
Yeah. Waking up at 3:30 in the actual morning feels the opposite of that.
I don’t coffee before I go. Because 5am class is already perilously close to my normal poop time. And coffee would just hasten the arrival.
Plus, I like to enjoy my coffee. Savor it.
There is no savoring at 3:30 in the actual morning.
But I somehow manage to maneuver my car all the way through Vinton without Chevy Chasing it at any point.
And freakin Tiny Brazilian is so freakin peppy at 5 o’clock in the actual morning. She’s also peppy at 4 o’clock in the actual morning. I’ve spent a lot of time with this chick. I almost don’t feel homicidal impulses anymore when I interact with her at that time of night.
But still. No one wants 5 AM pre-coffee and morning poop peppy.
But she hugged me when I walked in. I think as an attempt to restrain my arms. Which may have wanted to choke her a little bit. Not like full on death choke. Just a gentle sleeper hold until she was quiet.
These workouts we do. They involve every damn part of the body. At 5 o’clock in the actual morning.
My body still wants to be in bed. With coffee.
And I’ve still got bees swarming around inside my head. Burpees only make them more active. Broad jump burpees piss them off entirely.
I’m mostly just trying not to do a “throw out your back” Rogue sneeze or drip snot on the floor during this workout.
At one point during the Bear crawls, I see this out of the corner of my eye.
It scared me at first. I thought someone was having a seizure. Or an actual bear had busted into the gym.
It was Rogue. She had opted for her sideways inchworm crunchy things over bear crawls.
So I tried them.
Wayyy easier than bear crawls.
By the time we hit the burpees, I was just trying not to poop and vomit in the middle of the floor. Simultaneously.
Muscular White Gut might revoke my privileges if I did that.
Meanwhile Skratch is over here doing freakin air jump clappy hands push ups. Because of who he is as a person.
At one point, I think K-Rob-D may have hit on me? Maybe during the wall sit? I’m not sure. Boundaries get a little loose at 5am fitness.
Plus she gave me a present at the end of the workout. So I think we might be going steady now? Although she gave everyone else presents, too. So maybe I’m still single.
Which, as we have all learned, is for the best. Right?
So now I’m showered and coffeed and pooped and ready do take on the day. And crazy as it sounds to those that have never tried a 5am workout or a 2am psychopath run, I am fully energized for the day.
Bring it on.
I can handle anything today.
But let someone drink the last of the break room coffee without making a fresh pot.
We gonna have words…