Catch Me If You Can

So, we’ve skipped straight over fall right into frozen tundra.

And I spent a lot of time walking in and out of well-heated buildings today.

In and out of the frozen tundra.

I didn’t want to go to the gym.

I wanted to go home. To sweatpants. And blankets. And basketball. And so very much Irish coffee.

And that’s what I intended to do. As I forced myself out to the parking lot. And into my car.

But when I got to the parking lot exit, instead of turning left. Towards comfort. I turned right. Towards devastation. And pain. Before I even realized what was happening.

Saw the 4 o’clock class running around frantically. Asked WV Aquaman what the hell was happening.

“It’s a race. And if you lose, you have to do 15 burpees.”

Well, that’s bullshit.

But my Fall Risk was there. And my LL. And my Liz.

And we had to break into teams of four. And compete against each other.

Which was perfect.

Because we love each other. And would not intentionally try to catch each other. And force each other to burpee.

You’ve gotta really hate someone to make them burpee.

Except freakin J-Vicious was feeling way too good about himself. And the part he played in my Catawba Run Around DNF. And he can’t just let me have a pleasant workout. Ever.

So he picked the teams. And forced me onto his team. With the other two men who are both bigger and stronger than me. So…

So, ok. Yeah. He’s pushing me to be better. And stronger. Because maybe I’ve got two Spartans coming up in … holy hell. A week and a half.

Fuck.

Ok, but also? He’s just setting me up for failure, right?

He knows I’m only going to be able to stay in front of those guys during the lower body exercises. Because runner. But the push ups and the battle ropes and the plank push ups and the incline push ups…

I’m a tiny little girl!

Dammit!

And freakin WV Aquaman is just over in the corner giggling like a child about what’s happening.

And maybe I peed a little during the box jumps. Because I’m 45. But maybe I couldn’t break for the bathroom. Because maybe I was too afraid of what that would mean in the way of burpees.

And maybe when I told J-V that I needed a time out to go clean myself, he just pointed a fan at me. And turned it on high. So I could air dry.

I mean, that’s cool. I’ve walked around in worse conditions than this.

And poor Tall Dude and Big Lick tried so hard. Not to catch me.

But also, J-V was on our team.

And he’s a straight dick about competing.

So, they eventually said, fuck it. You’re on your own. We can’t protect you.

That’s fair.

I’ll just be over here in the corner. Doing 5,000 burpees.

And that’s why I was soaked absolutely through the shorts and t-shirt I was wearing. Not just the pee. But so much sweat. Like, an unreasonable amount of sweat.

Well, that was abusive.

And so that will probably explain my upcoming bout of pneumonia.

Because I forgot about the frozen tundra. When I walked out of the gym. Soaked through.

I did find a sweatshirt in my car, though.

So I was partially covered when I stopped by the grocery store. Because I can’t McDonald’s two nights in a row.

Because OT is on high alert now.

But it’s cool. I’m showered now. And fully clothed. And fed. And Hoosier basketball is back. And the first Mandalorian episode is on tonight.

So maybe I can’t really move off the couch anytime in the near future. But I don’t really need to now.

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