This Is Just What We Do Now

I’m a helper.

I like to help. Even maybe when no one asks or even wants me to.

My co-worker didn’t ask me to help this morning.

But there were a LOT of names on the absent staff board. And the system needed to help develop a coverage plan was down. And so I was trying be helpful. By making her laugh.

And also answering the phone.

Which was probably all she really wanted me to do, anyway.

I’m not sure she appreciates my humor enough. I mean, she won’t send me a friend request. And I’ve already explained to her that I’m certainly not sending her a friend request. Because I never send friend requests. I only accept them. (Or ignore them if…I mean. Come on. You know.) But I’ve got way too much fear of rejection to actually send them.

And so we’re in this kind of Facebook friendship standoff…

Anyway, so I was covering the phones somewhat efficiently. I don’t think I’d told anybody anything particularly wrong yet. But I’d also had a LOT of coffee already by 7:30. So I had to pee pretty bad.

But I also didn’t want to leave her alone up front for too long.

So I was in kind of a rush when I ran into the bathroom. And sat down. And started peeing.

And went for some toilet paper.

And I was a little distracted that someone finally put the roll on the right way. So I didn’t have to take it off and fix it.

But I guess whoever changed it last, despite having a strong understanding of over not under, hadn’t actually secured the roll thingy to the holder thingies.

So it fell.

And rolled.

Alllll the way to the other side.

Of the very long bathroom.

And it was a brand new roll. Still with the sealed end. So it’s not like it left a trail I could reach for.

I think I yelped. Or maybe cursed. And then just sat there. Waiting.

I mean, I may as well finish up this pee, I guess.

Then I had to kind of low crawl shimmy across the room to retrieve the toilet paper.

And I’ma be real. I may have thanked J-Vicious and Tiny Brazilian and Rogue for forcing me to duck walk so much. Because I managed this maneuver without my swayless hips locking up. Which is unusual.

Cleaned myself. And then the floor.

Washed my hands. (I hope I didn’t need to specify that, but it felt like an important step in the process that might feel like I’d skipped if I left it out here.)

Then I went for more coffee.

Because that’s always a good idea.

Except there was just a little left in the pot. And I have no depth perception. And I was probably a little traumatized from crawling around dripping pee all over the work bathroom.

(Really. I cleaned it up, though.)

So I just kind of went all in on the pouring. And overflowed my cup. Like, WAY overflowed it.

Cleaned the counter. And then the floor.

Washed my hands. Again.

Then returned to my phone duties.

And so that felt like enough moisture for one day.

Except I’ve birthed some nice sized babies in my day.

And so has Tahani.

So what happened a few hours later really should have been anticipated.

But we were really excited about delivering good news to someone.

And we were under a time constraint to get to them. Before the bell rang and the halls flooded with people.

So we may have been running a little too eagerly down the front walk.

When Tahani suddenly stopped. And grabbed hold of the closest pillar. And shouted “Man down!” As she slowly slid to the ground.

Because she was peeing.

Because motherhood.

“Don’t wait for me! You go! I’ll be fine!”

And obviously I was laughing at this.

But also I needed to get to the person before the bell.

Except by that point, I, too, was peeing.

“I can’t!”

“Just leave me here! You’ve got to go find her!”

“But I’m peeing, too!”

I think at one point, Tahani said something like, “Fork this.” Which is as close to cursing as I can get her to go.

Look. I don’t even know.

So that is the position we were both in. Legs crossed. Crouched down in front of the main office. Tears of laughter rolling down our faces. Trying desperately not to pee. When the bell rang. And the masses flooded the world around us.

And so we composed ourselves. Kind of. And continued our search.

And it didn’t end there.

I mean, it was several bathroom stops and a LOT of toilet paper later. But we finally found our person.

And cheered and celebrated. And danced. And jumped…

And so more bathroom stops. And more toilet paper.

And ok. Probably a tampon or two just to be safe.

Because also we can start hemorrhaging at any moment without warning these days.

So, look. This is just what we do now.

If you ever see me crouched down on the floor. It’s very unlikely I’m hurt. (I mean, at any given moment I’m working through, like, five different injuries. So, yes. I am hurt. But that’s not why I’m crouched down on the floor.)

I’m just trying not to pee. In public.