Does this look like an issue? Like something I should report to some disease control agency or something? Measles? Think it’s measles? What does dengue fever look like?

“Stop being a little bitch and put some Neosporin on it.”

I have very supportive friendships…

So I have this theory.

That the universe requires balance.

Like, there has to be a sort of agreement between the good and bad in any one person’s life.

It can’t tilt too far one way. Or shit just gets all levels of fucked up and evil starts to take hold and chancellors become emperors and …

Ok. The force. It’s like the force.

Fuck.

I may need some space from Star Wars for a little while.

But seriously.

This is legit how it works in my life.

And nowhere is there a better example than North Fucking Mountain.

So, remember Tuesday? When I said I’d unfriend the next person that said the words North Mountain to me?

Because Monday was the worst North Mountain experience I’ve ever had?

Seriously. It was awful.

And Tiny Brazilian knows. Because she’d spent the whole time remarking on how great it was. And I’d tried to warn her. Watch yourself. Don’t get too happy on this bitch. He’ll put you right back in your place.

And that’s why she inexplicably fell over. On the flat ridgeline. In the last mile of the run. Just fell the fuck on over.

Told you.

Yeah. So GBFF…WHTBS texted later that day…

Wanna do North Mountain Friday?

And I want to believe that he is sincere when he says he hadn’t read that particular post when he sent that. That he just wanted to help me out. Get another loop in. And not just fuck with my really fragile pre-January emotions. I want to believe that he values my really excellent friendship more than that.

I’m fucking charming.

But also GJB was sending the same fucking words at the same fucking time.

And I know he values my friendship.

Because I’m fucking delightful.

Apparently when people can’t think of a reasonable gift to get me for Christmas, they think taking me to North Mountain is a valid option.

Um…food! Hello???

Anyway, so of course I said yes.

Because North Fucking Mountain Challenge.

And immediately notified OT.

Because North Fucking Mountain Challenge Treaty.

He agreed to meet GBFF and me this morning.

So did Rogue. But then she claimed work at the last second. And maybe I’m not taking it personally. And probably I’m not assuming that she’s still just avoiding me…

I’ve offered myself up to her for all of next week. We’ll see if she claims me.

Anyway.

So, OT, GBFF, and I met at 7:30 in the Dragon’s Tooth parking lot.

GBFF had asked if I wanted coffee waiting when I got to the parking lot.

Obviously. Yes. Yes do that. Please.

And so I was prepared to see coffee in his hand when I pulled in.

I was not prepared for the half eaten donut he also shoved at me.

Which is why I wasn’t really paying attention to what I did when I pulled my key out of the ignition.

I was desperate to get to what remained of the donut.

Before he just shoved the rest of it into his mouth.

Because food…

So you see. Right? How I misplaced my car key? Before we even left the parking lot?

We took the requisite group pic.

Looked around my car a bit.

Then I said, let’s just go ahead and get this done. It’ll turn up.

It’s fine. It’ll be fine.

So, we did.

And

Ok

So…

Ok. So it was…

Nice?

No. Ok. So, GBFF said no running.

We’d walk it.

And not like Seven Sisters walk it. Where I may as well be running for the speed and effort I’m investing.

But, like legit walk.

Like legit casual walk.

A stroll, really.

I had a cup of coffee in my hand and everything.

Just casually strolling up the mountain. Enjoying my coffee. And the pleasant weather. And listening to OT and GBFF conversation.

It was…

nice?

No. I know. Just shhh. Wait.

So, obviously OT isn’t gonna casually walk any fucking thing for very long.

So he took off before we even hit the ridge line.

At some point after that, he sent Rogue and GJB this message.

He’s not wrong.

Rogue thought I might be high.

I wasn’t.

It was just nice.

At no point did I think the word bullshit.

Except maybe when GBFF called me undateable.

But there was context. And y’all don’t turn on him. Even though a part of me wants you to. Because I sometimes get tired of hearing how he’s such “a great guy.” I’m great, too! Dammit.

And he maybe acknowledged that I’m not completely undateable.

Just, like, 8% undateable.

Or that may have been the percentage I talked him down to.

It may have been higher when he did the initial math.

Something about number of months in a year and maybe I really shouldn’t date during the month of January and so that only leaves 11 dateable months and…

Whatever.

I’m a fucking treat 11 months out of the year.

The full 12 if I’m on birth control.

Never mind.

Anyway.

Outside of that. It was nice.

Perfect weather.

Zero pain.

Solid conversation.

But also a reasonable amount of comfortable silence.

At no point in this casual walk did I have a single concern about finding my car key.

I just accepted that it would be there when I got back.

To be fair, I lose that shit at least once every other month.

And end up having to call my mom to ask my dad to give it to Handsome Son to bring my spare key to me.

But also, it always shows back up.

Eventually.

And really.

I lost it as soon as I removed it from the ignition. How fucking far could it have gone???

Turns out. Pretty fucking far.

Because it was nowhere. NOwhere. To be found.

To his credit, GBFF dug through the disgusting mess that is my car. In a concerted best friend effort to help me.

“I can’t believe I’m touching any of this. It is way too clear what happens…or doesn’t happen in here.”

Don’t judge. Just look.

But he had children to go get. And this bitch was not showing herself at all.

“Want me to take you for food while you call your son to bring your spare key?”

Nah. Ima find this shit. It’ll turn up. It’ll be fine.

After texting my family, over an hour away, to please send help.

I went back to searching.

And communicating with the Christmas Crew.

“Damn, homie. You didn’t move more than a few feet from your car when you got there. Like did you get out and sling it?”

Rogue started throwing out search suggestions.

Your pockets.

Your handheld.

Your bra.

And that’s how Ryan and his friends found me crawling through the Dragon’s Tooth parking lot. Under cars. And digging around in my bra.

I don’t know that his name was Ryan.

But he looked like a Ryan.

A cute little blonde headed Ryan.

It’s fine, Ryan. I’m fine. It’ll be fine. Everything’s fine.

“Hopefully you don’t have to wait too long for him to get here?”

I live at the lake.

“Damn. So…you’ve got enough time to hike Dragon’s Tooth. Or …”

Don’t you say it, Ryan.

“Maybe go do another loop on North Mountain…”

Fuck You, Ryan.

So I went back to my car. And cleaned out every bit of shit that was floating around in there.

That’ll reveal my key…

Nope.

Fuck.

So I went back to crawling around. As the cars beside me were leaving. I’d dive back into the gravel they’d just left before the next car pulled in.

Saved a group’s life. When they pulled up and announced that they had a pretty significant issue and could I please help.

…

Yeah, sure.

“We’re not sure which we should do. McAfee or Dragon’s Tooth.”

You should try North Mountain…

Fuckers.

A significant issue?

My car is a fucking portal for an alternate universe and it’s taken my fucking key!

Who knows what kind of evil shit got back through the fucking portal into my fucking car!

I’m running out of food!

I fucking live here now.

I fucking live on North Fucking Mountain and I’m running out of fucking food!!!!

Significant fucking issue???

No I didn’t. I didn’t really send them to North Mountain.

Dragon’s Tooth. You’re gonna wanna do Dragon’s Tooth.

I’m a good person.

And then I turned.

Back to my car.

Well, of course that’s where they are…

*sigh*

This.

This is how North Mountain fucks with you.

When shit is a little too pleasant.

This bitch had those in his pocket the whole fucking time.

And then waited until I was at my breaking point.

And put that shit on top of my fucking car.

Fucking GBFF.

I mean, he didn’t lose them.

But he’s fucking tall.

He should have seen that shit.

Fucking North Fucking Mountain.

On the bright side, GJB backed out of his North Mountain plan for tomorrow.

On the down side, Rogue wants to go now.

Fuck.

Fine.

Whatever.

I need more bullshit in my life.

To keep the good balanced out.

So, I’m pretty sure that’s why my knees look like that.

From crawling around the Dragon’s Tooth parking lot for two hours.

Or from whatever alternate universe disease my evil North Mountain car portal allowed through.

Also, my car is really fucking clean right now, so…