It Gets Worse

Skratch sent that message yesterday afternoon.

Before the 5 o’clock PlayFITStayFIT class.

And let me tell you just how much bullshit that message was.

“Collateral damage”

Right.

So, here’s how this shit went down.

So we’re there. At the PlayFITStayFIT. Me. Skratch. Fall Risk also shows up.

And I’m all happy. Because I’ve got these two friends with me. That I haven’t seen in a minute.

And I’m feeling fully supported.

As I’m putting on my shoes, Skratch is chatting with me…

And fucking squatting as he does so.

Dude. I can’t even sit down without some major supportive devices.

Stop that shit.

Then J-Vicious announces that it’s a partner workout.

And ok. Obviously he’s not gonna let me partner with Fall Risk. We all know that.

Fine.

But then he says, “You’re with Skratch.”

Wait. What?

Did you not just see him over here squatting. Repeatedly. Before the workout??

This dude’s a fucking machine.

…Fine.

Skratch is my friend. He brought me workout Doritos. He’ll look out for my best interest.

Except. Ok. So the workout was a list of, like, 12 different options.

For example. Crunches-Plank.

You would do 100 crunches. And your partner would plank for however long it took you to do 100 crunches.

Then you switch. And count down. So your partner would do 90 crunches. And you would plank.

There’s no way you’re getting through all 12 rounds in 50 minutes.

So, if you’re the morons that choose pushups and farmer carries, for instance. You’re gonna end up doing 150 pushups. With a shit ton of farmer carries throughout that bullshit. To really make it awful.

Well, obviously we’re not doing those.

But we should get them out of the way first. I don’t want to do push ups when I’m tired.

We’re not going to do push ups AT ALL. We’ll never make it to those. I promise.

Let’s just do those.

And then J-Vicious says go.

And fucking Skratch drops to the ground and starts pushing up. Pushupping? Whatever.

Fuck.

So that was pretty much the entire workout.

Skratch and J-Vicious conferencing over which exercises we should do. Making ALL of the decisions. All of the VERY WRONG decisions.

And me just whimpering my way through.

Because remember.

I also still can’t move my fucking legs from Leg Day.

And J-Vicious and Skratch are enjoying the process way too much. And saying bullshit man things like, “she likes to be pushed hard.”

At one point, J-V actually did push me. Hard. And I just fell the fuck over.

B-Major showed up. Halfway through this bullshit. And distracted J-V for, like, a second.

But not nearly long enough for me to get through all of my triceps extensions before he saw me using the easy band.

And then came and removed it. Leaving only bullshit bands.

Skratch tried to throw out a suggestion that he and I finish up with box jumps and burpees.

Because he’s the worst friend ever.

But Fall Risk and I had a run to get to.

And ima be real. Box jumps are way outside of my abilities right now.

Because I spent the first half mile of the Starr Hill Run listening to my quads yell out some very ugly things. About J-V.

I tried to verbalize it for them.

But it mostly came out in moans.

And not the good kind.

GJB and Rogue spent part of the run and most of the post-run planning out my life. And debating whether I have commitment issues or just make really bad dating choices.

I don’t think they ever managed to find common ground.

But someone is running Blue Ridge Double AND Half Ironman this year.

And that someone is not me.

Because I barely managed three miles last night.

And I’m good for the week.

Because I cried actual tears when I took my first step to go downstairs this morning.

I probably don’t even need coffee.

That was an actual thought in my head.

That’s how awful this is.

Yesterday was bad.

Today is worse.

Because DOMS.

And because a multi-week hiatus from strength training ruined me.

Rest weeks are bullshit.

So is fitness.