We need to chat.
I’m looking specifically at you, America.
Netherlands. Malta. England. Y’all can go about your business.
I think Australia may need to hear this. But I don’t think I have any readers there.
So. When we first started hearing about the Corons. Some of y’all went out and bought up all the toilet paper.
You gave my friends and family and I a good laugh.
Some mildly entertaining memes.
And we thought. Meh. Let them hoard their damn toilet paper. We’ll just buy our toilet paper on our normal schedules. When we run out. Like decent humans.
But. Ok. We’re almost a month into this. And y’all mother fuckers still buying up all the toilet paper.
ALL of it.
You must have more than you and your extended family and your entire city can possibly need at this point.
And where are you keeping it all?
Do y’all have some magical endless basement storage space? Did you Marie Kondo everything else out specifically so you could hoard the world’s toilet paper supply?
They’re limiting your purchases now. How in fuck are you still hoarding?
I feel like this is a conversation we shouldn’t even have to have.
But here we are.
Remember that scene in “Friday.” When John Witherspoon finds Ice Cube in the kitchen. Looking through the refrigerator.
That’s how this feels.
Every time I come in the grocery store. You’re in the grocery store. In the goddamn bathroom aisle. Buying up all the supplies. All toilet paper. All the tissues. All the flushable wipes. All the chicken.
I need some toilet paper! I’d like some chicken!
(But why chicken?)
Y’all. I wish you was sleepin right now. I’d knock you upside your head with a left hook. Make you wake up and get me some toilet paper.
Rogue and Fall Risk think this is a cyclical thing. Like, the first round of hoarders are done. This is the second round doing this. Probably the elders that are getting the first hour of shopping everyday now. And that eventually it will be our turn. Like, in a month or so.
I’m down to my last two rolls.
I’m not panicking yet.
But it has become a kind of game now. A challenge. A quest of sorts.
How long do you imagine. Nope. Not imagine. Please don’t imagine my bathroom habits. But how long do you think I can make these last two rolls last?
Can I stretch them out another month? Until it’s my group’s turn to hoard?
Initially, I thought just holding my pees and poops until I could combine multiple bathroom trips into one might help.
But then Rogue suggested that’s how bladder infections. And UTIs work.
And if I end up with a UTI in the middle of a toilet paperless pandemic. Shit’s gonna get ugly.
And I’m not emotionally ready to just start skipping the wiping part and jumping straight from the toilet to the shower.
I feel like that’s coming.
But I need some time to get more desperate first.
I’m not sure why I’m fully comfortable takin a pee out in the middle of the woods and just pulling my pants straight back up. Without wiping. But I can’t bring myself to do that in my own home.
It’s not like I’m wearing nicer clothes at home than when I’m running. If anything. Putting on running gear is now akin to getting dressed for work.
But I can’t. Not yet.
So for now, I’m on a quest. To find out who the pandemic hoarders are.
Because you’re the ones I’m gonna sacrifice when this shit turns into World War Z.
Just stop it.
Also. This has nothing to do with anything. But Tommy Carlos can’t drive stick.
We were working the curbside pick up at the school yesterday.
And I went to the bathroom.
Because it’s now a luxury to go to the bathroom anywhere other than my own home. And use normal amounts of toilet paper.
And while I was in there. Not stealing entire rolls. Because they keep that shit locked up now. And only give us access to one roll at a time. He thought he’d move my car. And hide it. On the other side of campus.
Because that’s how his brain works.
But when I came back out. He threw my keys at me.
He can’t drive a damn stick shift.
How are the young people gonna survive World War Z if they can’t drive that beat up old pick up with three on the tree that you always find at the abandoned farm houses in the middle of an apocalypse?
It is becoming increasingly clear who is gonna survive all of this. I think the zombies might even make me their queen.
But for reals. Stop buying up all the toilet paper.