I Need To Start Asking More Questions

It should be evident to y’all. At this point. That I am highly susceptible to the power of suggestion.

I will go along with just about anything. Without asking many questions.

And I really need to learn to ask more questions.

I’m not entirely sure which plan formed first. Running the Blue Ridge Half Thursday evening. Or getting “10 miles in” Friday morning.

I just know that these two plans should not have played out in the same 12 hour time period.

Nonetheless, I spent last night bitching my way up Mill Mountain. Where our surprise paparazzi was waiting for us.

I mean, he was on one of those bicycles I keep losing crew members to. But still. He was there.

And he followed us on back down.

And over to that bitch Peakwood.

Just as the sun was starting to set.

And it was beautiful.

Until the darkness took over. And the winds kicked in. And life just became creepy as hell.

And here’s where our collective lack of planning became evident.

There are no street lights on Peakwood.

There are no sidewalks on Peakwood.

There are blind curves up and down that bitch.

Maybe only one of us brought a light source.

So that by the time we were headed back down, we were relying solely on the force to get us safely back to the finish.

Every time we saw headlights coming, we’d dive off into whatever lay beside the road.

I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know what whatever was.

We are the reason people hate runners.

And lest you think I’m the only one whining about road running. Everyone else was falling the fuck apart, too.

Seriously. Our bodies are no longer made for road running.

Which is why I was super excited about running trails this morning.

Which is the only thing I really knew about what was happening when I agreed to it.

I did think to ask how far we’d be running. So I could plan snacks.

Ten miles.

Cool.

Except I really should have asked more questions.

Because fucking Elevator Shaft.

Y’all remember me complaining about this bullshit last summer? When we ran it on the hottest day of the fucking year?

So, today was not hot.

It was fucking freezing. Like below freezing temperatures kind of freezing.

And you have to cross a creek to get to the start of the trail.

And did I mention it was fucking freezing.

So, we threw on our flip flops, carried our sneakers, and waded across. So our feet wouldn’t be wet as we ran.

Which was awful.

But also brilliant.

Because not even 1/2 a mile in. This shit happened.

And I’ma be real.

My legs were unprepared for this bullshit climb.

Let alone near-blizzard conditions. (I get dramatic when I’m tired.)

And maybe I ended up on all fours.

Bear crawling.

My way up the damn mountain.

Y’all. My ass muscles hurt. From the 1,600 feet of climbing they did yesterday.

Another 2,000 today seemed…unnecessary.

And I think it was absolutely adorable that these bitches I was with. That I love very much. Actually believed I was gonna out and back this bullshit course. To get the full 10 miles.

No.

I’ve run this shit before.

I know that there’s a road at the bottom of the trail. That leads you back to your car.

And you know shit is bad when I opt for a mile of road over five miles of trail.

But I just couldn’t will my legs back up that mountain. Knowing the amount of ass scooching I’d have to do to get back down the Elevator Shaft.

Ya girl is tired, y’all.

It’s like I was so damn whiny on Monday. That y’all are trying to exhaust me to the point that I’ll just sleep. To shut the whining up. The way I used to do with my kids when they were toddlers.

I’ve been toddlerized by my friends.

And one of us. The leader of this expedition. Tried to lead us left onto the road to get back to our cars.

No.

I know I’m not entirely trustworthy in leading groups of runners.

But when it’s about sheer survival. I know. I know which fucking way to go. And it wasn’t left.

So I just took off to the right.

And the rest of them followed.

I didn’t actually tell them to follow me. I never tell anyone to follow me.

But they did.

And I led us safely back to our cars.

And because I am the just totally selfless and loving human that I am.

I walked myself right on across the creek to retrieve all of our flip flops and towels.

Ok. I needed the freezing waters to calm my feet and ankles down. Because those bitches were complaining the entire 7 miles. But if they’re frozen. They can’t complain.

So now here I am. Safely back in flannel pajamas. With a steady supply of hot coffee. Fully focused on dinner. And figuring out which one of Roanoke Yoga’s recorded classes to do. To make the entire lower half of my body calm the fuck down.

Also. The fuck the wildlife over here be doing? That they got they own crime watch?

Also also. Don’t take me to the trails y’all tryin to keep secret. I’m not good at keeping secrets. My face gives me away.

It’s gonna be on our Strava, anyway.

Now, if you need me. I’ma be over here composing the list of questions I need to ask before committing to any fucking thing y’all suggest…

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