I just woke up.
Covered in a fairly thick layer of grime and dried sweat.
And I can’t move.
I didn’t shower when I got up yesterday. In anticipation of my evening plans.
Despite my reservations. And some folks’ taunting. I showed up for Arm Day at PlayFITStayFIT yesterday. At around 4:55.
Thought I walked past Fall Risk’s car in the parking lot.
So I hurried my ass inside before she could send me the, “Where you at?” text.
She wasn’t there.
So I sent her the “Where you at?” text.
But with a way more panicked tone.
She was sitting in her car.
So she got her ass inside. And we looked at the white board.
The fuck are we looking at?
He called it a Choose Your Own Adventure workout.
It looked like a random collection of words and arrows.
And really. If I were choosing my own adventure. It would involve beer and tacos.
But basically. You start out with 50 push-ups.
Well, I already hate it…
Then you pick a path. And work through the exercises. Kind of ping ponging around. Like a pinball machine.
Until you come out the bottom. A little worse for the wear. To another 50 push-ups.
Then you start over…
Now. We remember that Fall Risk and I have just been upper bodying our way through the week, right?
So, as West’s Sis is just knocking out 50 push-ups. And jumping into her first exercise path.
I’m just trying to keep count.
Because it’s taking me that long to even get started.
But I did. Finally. Get my 50 in.
After EVERYONE else had already moved on.
And tried to pick a path that wouldn’t force me into the fetal position. In the corner. Crying.
Because that’s what he wants. J-Vicious wants me to cry.
At one point, I ended up over by West’s Sis. And she’s just smiling at me.
The fuck you smiling at?
“What? I’m just…”
But see. It was the way she was smiling.
She had pity in her eyes. Mixed with a little bit of judgement. And a lot of “I’m just happy I’m not you” in there.
It was at that point that J-Vicious came and took the barbell I was using for front raises away from me. And shoved a much heavier one at me.
West’s Sis is lucky she’s one of my favorites.
I wasn’t the only one struggling, though.
Because as we were struggling through our front raises together, Fall Risk turned to me and said, “I don’t know how many of these I’ve done. But I think I’m just gonna do 10 more and move on.”
This is why I love her.
So, after several hours. Or whatever. I made it through my first pinball bounce. Out into my end set of 50 push-ups.
And back around to another initial set of 50 push-ups.
Do you know how long it took me to do 100 push-ups?
I don’t know either. Because I went through some sort of mind-body separation at that time.
I just know it was a long ass time.
Started down my next pinball bounce path.
And noticed J-V making West’s Sis do wall walk ups for one of her exercises.
She and I were on the same path.
But there is a point where you can pick between tire slams and wall walk ups.
Well, obviously I’m not doing wall walk ups.
But I’ve met J-evil mastermind-Vicious. So while he was harassing- I mean monitoring West’s Sis through her torture (she was still smiling, btw). I rushed through my tricep extensions over to the tire slam.
I was fully committed before he realized.
“Go do wall walk ups.”
I’m already committed to this course! You said we can’t change course!
“Fine. But I’m picking your next round of exercises.”
It’s cute that you think I’m gonna get to another round before the end of class…
So, by the time I made it through my second pinball bounce. Out to my end set of 50 push-ups. I was fully settled into the struggle bus.
Just all reclined back in a seat. Resting my eyes.
And my legs were feeling fully neglected.
They whine when they get too much attention. But also they don’t want to be ignored. Like, they really just want something to whine about so people will notice them.
My legs are basically me. In leg form.
And there were only about 7 minutes left in class.
I figured I could either lie on the ground not pushupping for that time.
Or I could be productive.
So I picked up some weights and started doing squats.
I was fitnessing…?
What could possibly be the problem?
“What are you doing? No. You missed leg day. Do your pushups.”
So I put the weights down.
And cleaned them.
And walked over to where Fall Risk was pretending to work through her push-ups.
And I started a wall sit.
“WHAT are you doing??”
When have you ever yelled at me for doing a wall sit???
So I laid down next to Fall Risk.
And pretended to do push-ups with her.
And as I laid on the floor pretending to push-up. I watched a few of these chicks doing weighted punches…
Some of y’all never pissed anyone off enough to force you into a fist fight. And it shows.
(I’ve pissed some folks off in my day. Hard to imagine. I know.)
End of class and I remind Fall Risk that we’re running after.
“I’m gonna go home like I originally wanted to.”
Met up with the Christmas Crew. And allowed OT to lead us up into the Mill Mountain trails.
And I wore my fucking Altras.
Thinking they wouldn’t make me want to kill someone. If we were just going a few miles.
I was wrong.
Holy hell. The pain.
And the struggle.
Thankfully, OT and GJB stopped at every intersection. To talk about the best route to take.
And even when they weren’t stopped. I stopped. And took pictures.
Because trail runners will accommodate your slowness. If you’re photographing the run.
Nobody wanted that picture.
But I took it anyway.
Finally got back to Fork. And replenished ourselves.
And Rogue and I held a praise competition between GJB’s insurancing and OT’s real estating.
Helped GJB develop his transformation to hipster plan.
Had OT assess my running form in these dumbass Altras.
He says if I don’t bitch out and give up on them, I’ll eventually have strong calves like his.
And I want that.
But I’m gonna be whiny as fuck until it happens.
Which…ok. Yeah. So I’m just gonna keep being me…
I was on my way home. Daydreaming about a hot shower and reclining on my couch to binge-watch something. When E texted me to ask if I’d lost power.
And because I’m pretty sure that my well pump operates off of electricity in some form.
And I didn’t know how long we would be without electricity.
I figured I should conserve whatever water I had access to for drinking. And survival.
And so that is why I awoke to power restored. And the fan just circulating my total funk just all around my bedroom.
I should probably wash these sheets today.
After I peel myself off of them.
And scrub off this layer of filth. That had a full night to take hold.
I just wanted to tell y’all about it first.