Because I’ve got some stories to tell. That are totally disconnected. But I’mma tell em anyway. Because my blog.
So, there’s this little cup of teeny tiny beads on my desk.
That Tina Fey put there last week.
Because when you put them in water, they’re supposed to grow.
And that’s supposed to be fun. And stress relieving. Or something. For the children.
And so she thought it might help me. Because remember how last year? When she left me? I said that she and I had this whole testing thing totally under control? Just completely perfected? And we could anticipate one another’s needs? And know what one another was thinking?
Yeah. That’s not…
Our 2020 conversations are just some rambling nonsense. And having absolutely zero understanding of one another. But also just accepting that whatever we’re trying to communicate is…bad. And also fighting over which one of us gets to break down on any given day.
Things are definitely not under control right now.
Nothing is under control.
And so she brought me the beads. To try to help me de-stress.
And I don’t understand the concept.
So they’ve just been sitting there…
“You haven’t put them in water?”
Well, I wasn’t sure… Like, how many should I put in at once? How big do they get? If I do all of them at one time, will they just eventually take over my office?
“Let’s find out! I’ll get water!”
No, I can do that. I’ve got water right here.
And I don’t know why I thought I could just pour some water.
It’s not really a skill I’ve perfected. Ever.
And it’s Tina Fey. And she just gets so excited about things. And I have the shaky hands. And so maybe when I was pouring two tablespoons of water. Into this teeny tiny container. Another 5 gallons of water came out with it.
So that’s when the chaos erupted.
Because the tiny beads went everywhere.
And there was a waterfall flowing over my desk. Right towards me.
Which was obviously the moment for Ghost to call. With testing questions.
And y’all walking by my office just don’t worry about why Tina Fey is crawling around on the floor while I’m chatting on the phone.
I mean, it’s not under control. But it’s fine.
We cleaned up the water.
I mean she cleaned up the water.
While I chatted with Ghost.
And she recovered the beads.
And refilled the water. And put the beads in.
“Now they’re supposed to grow.”
But, like, how big?
And so we sat there. Staring. At these tiny beads. That were definitely not getting bigger.
If I were experiencing serious stress or depression, this would definitely just exacerbate it. We definitely shouldn’t be using these to help the children.
So, now I’ve got this cup of water with these two…blobs of color…just sitting on my desk. Reminding me of life’s disappointments.
So, I’ve got that to look forward to when I go into work today.
Assuming they haven’t expanded overnight. And completely taken over.
In which case, I’m just going to turn around and go home. And pretend I wasn’t involved in creating the problem.
So, Tina Fey’s back…
And I can’t think of a segue here. But I feel like it’s important for me to announce. That I ran Chaos last night. Because GJB wanted to.
And while I’m aware that I held him and Bropunzel back. On the run. Because they weren’t gonna leave me alone to run in the dark with all of the eyes peering out from the woods.
And coyotes. Which no one acknowledged. But I swear I heard the coyotes yelling at us again.
I still managed to run that 5 mile loop. At nearly my fastest time ever on that course. Absolutely pain-free.
Like, zero pain.
Like, there wasn’t a single moment where I was even worried that the pain was about to kick in.
Like, an 8:17 mile and an 8:26 mile on the last stretch. A speed I haven’t hit in over a year.
And no pain.
Now, I couldn’t actually participate in any of the conversations happening during that 52 minutes and 54 seconds of running. I couldn’t alert them to the coyotes. That I don’t think they heard. Over their easy conversation.
Because my lungs were absolutely not prepared for that pace.
And they are definitely not pristine. As a co-worker suggested yesterday.
But the rest of my body felt great.
I think I’m gonna propose to my chiropractor.
I need her in my life forever. FOREVER.
And bonus. As we all found out on the podcast yesterday. I can mother her children if she wants them.
There was some debate, among Fall Risk and Rogue and I about what “mother children” means. Which led to a moment of panic for Fall Risk. When she thought she may actually be forced to make a human inside her uterus.
Me (preparing them for what was coming as Fall Risk listened to the episode): So, I MAY have said you’d mother my baby on this episode.
Rogue (reacting exactly the way one would expect Rogue to react): I think that has gone without saying for a long time now. People are probably just expecting it.
Fall Risk (panicking over the thought of carrying a child while being oddly ok with the inseminating me part): Wait. I thought YOU were supposed to mother the babies. And we were just donating the bone marrow.
Me (trying to figure out how to use words appropriately for this totally legitimate endeavor): Right. I just don’t know how to say “father my baby” when you’re not…sticking semen in me. I’ll do the carrying if you do the inseminating.
(It just took me five times to type the word “inseminating.” My phone was definitely trying to edit this story out. Because it has way better judgement than I do. But I will not be controlled. Even when it’s in my best interest.)
(Or maybe it was God. Trying to stop me from bastardizing the human race. But I’m not sure He’s fully considered how amazing a Fall Risk-Rogue-Sunshine hybrid would be.)
So, that’s it.
I’m just gonna…I’m gonna just go now…