Another .1 Christmas

You know in movies? When some emergency situation happens? And someone inevitably loses their shit? And just turns a standard emergency into an absolute shit show?

I get angry. Like, screaming “get your shit together moron!” at the tv kind of angry.

I got sucked into the rabbit hole that is Grey’s Anatomy at the start of break.

Remember in season 2 when Izzy just loses every bit of her shit? Because she can’t hold it together? And basically kills her fiancé?

It angered me. So much.

I ranted to Rogue and Fall Risk.

“This is why the world hates Katherine Heigl.”

So…

Yeah…

I may owe Katherine Heigl an apology…

It started like this.

On Saturday. Beautiful Beastie and Bropunzel made Finn’s Dad and GJB and I run some practice loops at Chaos.

And I was planning between two and three. Loops.

But what had happened was. Between loops two and three. Everyone’s Favorite Husband showed up. With an aid station. That included these really delicious fried potatoes.

And then someone mentioned beer.

And so I was trying to be as invisible as possible. As BB and GJB and Bropunzel prepared to head out for loop three.

Maybe if they just don’t see me…

“Come on, Sunshine. Let’s go.”

Dammit. But I’m so warm and comfortable and sated and…thirsty…

“Sunshine. Let’s go.”

Oh no. Look. I’ve already taken my running top off. Oh shoot. Guess I’ll just put on this dry sweatshirt and go have a beer and get warm.

So I did.

I went and had a beer.

While they kept running.

But I didn’t get warm.

I haven’t been warm all week.

I’ve lived in Winterfell all week.

Which is why I piled on so many layers. Sunday afternoon. For Christmas Mountain.

And packed even more layers. In my pack. For when we hit the summit.

Before we started. Bropunzel made an announcement.

“If anyone falls off the side of the mountain, I can’t help you. I have no use of my arms.”

Well…cool.

We headed out. And knocked out the first mile within about 50 feet. Like, the opposite of Patterson Creek.

And then we started the climb.

If you recall. This second mile of Christmas Mountain is straight the fuck up.

And so we climbed a solid half mile.

And stopped for a rest.

And GJB checked his fancy new watch.

We’d gone .1 miles. Mile? Of a mile? Miles. Point one miles.

Whatever.

We were suddenly making way less progress than we should’ve been. Than we used to.

We were no longer in Christmas shape.

And the rest of them had reasons. Like three loops. And four loops. At Chaos.

And Bropunzel has found Ferguson Fitness. That eliminated his ability to use his arms.

But me? My chubby ass is carrying a solid 20 pounds more than my last Christmas.

So we kept stopping. For breaks. Because oxygen.

And GJB would check his watch.

And announce that we’d gone another .1 miles.

We were moving .1 miles per hour.

And the sweat was rolling.

But also, you can’t just fully undress. Because winter could hit on the next .1.

Some of y’all hate when I do that.

But it’s effective. So hold your judgment.

And about 8 more .1’s later. We hit the summit.

And on our way up. Beautiful Beastie shared a story about funeral practices of other cultures.

And there’s this one where they cut you up. Into lots of pieces. And take puzzle you up to the top of a mountain. And lay you out in a straight line.

And I decided that that’s a way better journey to the afterlife than getting filled with chemicals and shoved in a plastic box in the ground.

And it just so happened that Bropunzel knew about a death alter. Or whatever.

And so he showed us.

It’s the perfect fit.

So that’s where y’all gonna make puzzle me.

Except they all said they refused to drag my lifeless body up all those .1’s.

So I agreed to use the last bits of my death bed strength. To drag myself up there. And onto the death alter.

Things may have gotten little dark for a minute.

But. Ok. So the anger over people in movies losing their shit.

So it’s still winter on top of the mountain.

And we all put on our extra layers and everything. Before climbing on top of the rock.

But you know how sometimes I get stuck? On the pointy rock by the gappy part?

Because it’s scary. Because gappy part.

So that way was snowy. And icy.

And so GJB pointed me around the other way.

Where it’s even more gappy. But not snowy.

And I tried. I did.

But the gap.

It was just so…large.

And my legs are so…short.

And ok. So I did. I panicked. I lost every ounce of my shit.

And as I was frozen there. Losing my shit. Everyone’s Favorite Husband came over.

And ok. You know how in the movies? When the emergency responders are trying to save some person? And that person is fighting the saving? And emergency responder is like, Just let me help you!

We were frozen in this position. With EFH patiently waiting for me to calm the fuck down. And my panicked brain trying to work through what in fuck was actually happening.

Because all my brain could remember was Bropunzel’s announcement. (Even though he’s back there clearly using his arms. For cheering.)

It was fine. Once I calmed the fuck down. And let him pick me up. And lift me over.

Oddly enough. BB made it across just fine. Without requiring her husband to also lift her across. While balancing himself. Over the gappy part.

And her legs are shorter than mine.

Whatever.

Anyway.

We all made it across.

And sat in the freezing cold. Naming all of the mountains around us. I mean, they did. They named all the mountains.

And we reminisced about how we’d run all of them. We’ve run all of those mountains.

Except for this one mountain. That maybe we’ll run soon.

And BB gave me some whiskey. Either to warm me. Or keep me calmed the fuck down.

Either way. It worked. Because when it was time to head back down.

I made it off the rock without losing any of my shit.

Whiskey totally helps.

And as we got down to one of the humps. The setting sun caught our eye.

And we realized there was no wind.

And there were plenty of seats.

And this spot. We were in the exact right spot for whiskey and snacks.

So we just hung out there. Watching the sun set.

And the moon rise.

At the exact same time.

It was magical.

And perfect.

And nobody wanted to leave.

But eventually we had to. Because we’re grown.

So we slid our way back down the mountain. In the moonlight.

And EFH realized that moon shadows are a thing. And not just some hippy acid creation.

And BB and I made plans. For 2021. But it’s ok. Because we’re not gonna speak them out here. So just shhhhh.

And once we got down off the mountain. GJB claimed the only level spot. And BB tried the uneven spot beside him. For some headstands.

While I laid on the ground. Taking pictures.

It was the exact perfect Christmas. With the exact perfect people.

And even as Skratch messages. To remind me that it’s the last week of 2020. Because he knows how I’ve struggled. It’s cool.

Because I’ve gotten the exact mountain time that I needed.

And I’m so so sorry, Katherine Heigl. I’m sorry for all those names I called you. You’re probably not a dumbass.

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