I was just sitting in my car. Minding my own business. Trying to talk Fall Risk into coming to the gym.
I was in the middle of typing, “I’d love to go home and take a nap, but J-Vicious is-“
And that’s the point at which he reached through my window and snatched my phone out of my hands.
Had I had more energy. Or any energy. I may have fought him for it.
But it’s the last week of school.
I have nothing left.
And also. He took the phone. To keep me from just changing my mind and leaving.
Like, recent precedent.
So I didn’t even complain much about the phone situation. How much damage could he really do.
Come on, y’all. Those don’t even sound like words I use.
And also. You people. In my group chats. That just engaged with him. Without question. Knowing damn well it wasn’t me talking. As he was just scrolling through my phone.
We need some rules.
But I did get a new Facebook friend out of it. So that’s something.
And Fall Risk did show up.
And it was an EMOM workout.
So we gathered up all of our weights that we would use for everything.
Because J-V knows us.
We can spend 8 minutes and 42 seconds choosing weights for a 9 minute EMOM. No problem.
And this is the really tricky part. Because you don’t want to go too heavy. And be miserable for an hour. But if you go too light. J-V will choose for you. And he’ll go even heavier than the original heavy that you thought was too heavy and…
So, as we’re all going through this weight choosing process. He just sits over there. Like a tired mom. Occasionally yelling out that warning “No…” When we reach for an inappropriately light weight.
And. I mean, I was maybe mis-remembering reps. So maybe only doing 35 pop squats instead of 75.
But also, we know that I don’t actually count numbers anyway.
Someone else doesn’t either. But I’m not gonna throw her under the bus.
Because I’m a good friend.
But everything was fine.
We were in the middle of sumo squats. And I’m managing with my 45 pounds. Until I look over at J-V. How much weight is that??
So I switched out to a 35.
And I was happy.
Until we got to hamstring curls.
And I happily laid down on the floor with my 15.
And here comes snitty little J-V. With 35.
Ok. But I’m running after this…
And Conquer the Cove on Sunday…
I just…this seems like a bad choice…
I definitely didn’t do all 7 minutes of those hamstring curls, anyway.
And by the time we got to the pendulum lunges. A power shift was starting to occur.
And I don’t know who dropped their weights first.
No. I do know. Because Fall Risk never picked hers up in the first place. But then I see West’s Sister and Super Sweet Lady dropped theirs. And I kind of look over at New Facebook Friend. And there was an immediate understanding.
Oh, we revolting here. Down with the patriarchy!
So we dropped our weights, too.
And pendulum lunges are way less awful when you’re not holding 30 pounds.
It was full on anarchy by the time we hit the last exercise.
Except. I could sense that it wasn’t really the last exercise. And my already broken brain started to panic. And I needed to know. What was coming.
So all I did was ask. If we he was gonna make us do Sally.
Like, it was a panicked question. Not a suggestion.
But you wanna see a room full of women turn on you. And an entire feminist movement just fall apart. Say the word Sally in a gym.
Our moment of sisterhood was over.
He didn’t make us do Sally.
But he did need to regain some sense of power and control. In his gym.
So we did some partner bullshit. Where one person did 100 back squats. While the other person wall sat. Weighted. Weighted wall sat. Until the squatter was done. And then we switched. And kept alternating. Counting down. Until we got to 10.
And he made Fall Risk and I partner with him.
And I was reaching for a medicine ball. Thinking I could keep him quiet with 40 pounds.
And then he dropped. Literally lifted up and dropped. This on my lap.
Ok. But that’s…that’s a pretty wide range. What, exactly, am I holding here.
Fine. Just squat fast.
So then I ran Chestnut Ridge. With GJB.
And I probably shouldn’t tell y’all. About how Lil T ran it the night before. And got lost…
I’m just sayin. I’m gonna need y’all to keep the judgement out of your tone next time I end up wandering around that five mile loop for twelve miles. Because it’s not just me.
But she made GJB promise not to let me get lost. I mean, he absolutely laughed at me. When we came up on some point. That I thought was the parking lot. And it definitely wasn’t.
But he didn’t let me get lost.
And now. Because I am absolutely done SOL testing. For the month. I will spend the day sitting at my desk. Resting my legs. Until they just completely tighten up. And I can never move again.
But they definitely weren’t my worst.
That PlayFITStayFIT Murph the day after Conquer? That one may end up being my worst…
Y’all should join me.
Not because J-V is full of awesomeness. Or whatever bullshit he tried to peddle to y’all on my Facebooks.
But because misery loves company.