I AM Fall Risk

Did my first shift of Ironman volunteering yesterday. Where I tried to walk casually. Like I hadn’t spent the day before torturing my legs.

Seemed to work.

No one asked me what was wrong with me.

No one actually spoke to me at all.

Seriously. Leo does not like to be ignored.

But it was fine. Because I won the packet stuffing competition. That no one else knew about. Because I made it up in my head.

Leo does like to win.

And when we were done. I looked around. Ummmm, I was told there would be snacks…

There were no snacks.

Supposedly there was pizza. Somewhere. In the city of Roanoke.

But it was definitely not in the volunteer tent they sent me to for the pizza.

Fine. No no. It’s totally fine. I’m submitting all of my complaints to my captain.

I mean, technically Rogue wasn’t my assigned captain for yesterday’s shift. But she is assuming full responsibility for Fall Risk and me the rest of the weekend. So…

(You see that, ma? “Fall Risk and me.” You didn’t even have to send me an irate text lecture to correct me.)

And since Rogue is in charge of us the rest of the weekend. We went ahead and went to PlayFITStayFIT arm day. So we’d be good and useless for our eight fucking hour Friday shift.

I haven’t been to arm day in a minute.

I remember why now.

And despite the fact that our plan was to go in and half ass the workout. Because even half assing arm day is still a solid workout. I am still struggling to get up out of bed today.

Or even write this.

Fall Risk is asking captain what the PTO policy is for today.

Because just every bit of all of our everything hurts.

But apparently J-Vicious needs something to read. While he drives to work. So fine. I’m trying to write.

Anyway. We were gonna half ass the arm day workout.

But this dude. Stood his ass in front of the weights. And monitored every damn one of us.

Like…we couldn’t be trusted…?

It was a little offensive.

And he kept throwing heavier weights at us.

Not, like, literally throwing.

Except, there was this football. That he definitely threw at my head. Multiple times. Until I threw it into the tire pile.

“I’ll just dive in there and get it.”

Oh my god please do that.

At one point he yelled at me. “Wrong color, Sunshine!”

Excuse me? Well, that’s racist.

Apparently he meant the band, though. That I was using. For dumbass triceps extensions.

And then when I moved over. From the reasonable purple band. To the immovable green band. And struggled to force the band down. Using just my weak, flabby ass, non-existent haven’t been to arm day in too long triceps. He started lecturing me. About form.

“Look at Fall Risk. Be more like her.”

Dude. I don’t think you understand just how much like her I actually am. We’re practically the same person.

And we are. Because she understands that we’re not really counting reps.

How many of these am I pretending to do?

“Doesn’t matter. Just count with your soul.”

That’s beautiful. And poetic.

And then J-V started yelling about form again. With, like, fifteen different instructions. “See how Fall Risk is doing it? Be more like her!”

I swear to fuck if you tell me to be more like Fall Risk one more time I will punch you in your throat …I am Fall Risk. And she is me.

I didn’t. Punch him in his throat. Because arm day.

But next week. After I’ve recovered…

After class, I drove my dumbass to Chaos. Like I was gonna use my useless post leg day legs to run or some shit.

But I ran into Beautiful Beastie. Who was walking. Because Ironman.

So my hobbly ass got to just enjoy a nice walking chat. Instead of running. But still partake of post run beer and food.

Look at me. Standing there. All proud of myself.

No no. I earned this. Really. Leg day and arm day? In the same week?

Gimme the damn fries.

*sigh*

Rogue just said HR is closed.

So there’s no PTO available for today.

So we gotta get our PlayFITStayFIT asses out of bed. And report to work.

And apparently we gotta get there early. Or she’s gonna give the least awful jobs to other people.

Whatever. As long as I’m stationed near Fall Risk.

Because she heard there were no snacks provided yesterday. So she’s bringing an entire suitcase of them. Because we are the same person.

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