“So you’ve just given J-Vicious all day to plan your workout.”
Monday morning. I was lying in the comfort of Magical Roanoke Yoga’s basement. Allowing her to massage. And yoga my body. Into various states of stretching. And relaxation.
I can’t even describe how amazing it is to have someone else stretching your body for you. While you just lie there. Putting forth absolutely no effort. Other than breathing.
It was perfect.
I was fully relaxed.
And pain free.
So obviously I woke up yesterday morning and thought. Huh. Let me just fuck all this just all the way up.
I mean, Leadville Heavy Half is a week and a half away.
Time to train.
But also I’m afraid of the massive snake takeover happening right now. And my inattentive ass is absolutely bound to step straight onto a rattler. Or copperhead. And since that is most likely to happen on trail. When I’m alone. I opted for road.
So Roanoke Mountain it was.
And dear sweet mother, it was just so hot out.
About three miles in. The sippy cap fell off of my sucky straw. Allowing half of my water to pour out of my pack.
So I decided. I’d just go to the top of Fishburn. And then turn around. Ten Mile Tuesday makes a nice hashtag.
But as I was approaching mile five. Tina Fey called.
And I never ignore Tina Fey calls.
We were just chatting away. Making important summer school decisions. And before I could process it. I was halfway up Roanoke Mountain.
And so I said I’d just go to six miles. And turn around. Twelve Mile Tuesday also makes a nice hashtag.
But my head was a little spinny by the time we finished our chat. So I rested here for a few minutes.
And then I got up. And before I could stop myself. I was walking on up the mountain.
Well. This should be enough training to get me through 15 1/2 miles. At 10,000 feet of elevation. Next week. Right…
But the chafing. And exhaustion. From 13 1/2 miles in the summer heat and humidity. Just wasn’t torturous enough.
Because I’m a certified moron.
…and so I went to PlayFITStayFIT…
For body weight full body day.
And strength training with weights. Is challenging enough.
But strength training with the full weight of my body…holy hell.
That morning, J-Vicious had posted this.
Yes. Yes I do all of those things. When he’s not paying attention.
Except. He’s always paying attention.
And while Skratch warned that my comment on J-V’s morning post had given him a full day to prepare the awfullest workout. This dude put this shit show together in ten minutes before class.
That’s how twisted his mind is.
He can just create some shit like this.
In a matter of minutes.
Just winging the hell out of those time limits.
If you don’t finish the particular set within the time limit. You had to start over. Until you did.
And then he said we could go through it in whatever order we wanted and it was “all on the honor system.”
“Except for Sunshine.”
And so he made me go through the workout with him. In the order he chose.
Because he knows me. And how I answer those full potential questions.
And we all know what he chose first, right?
100 push ups. In 2 minutes.
I didn’t quite manage it. 100. I think I made it to 87 or something.
But I also refused to start over.
So fine. He moved us straight over to WO8.
Which was just a shit ton more push ups. Like the very worst kinds of push ups.
WO5 and 6 wasn’t awful. Because I have some amount of strength in my legs. So I could give my poor weak arms a rest.
But then Crab Walks and band thrusters and fucking tire push ups.
Do you know how hard it is to carry an ass like mine through 3 laps of crab walks? My arms started yelling all kinds of offensive shit to my ass. Really just body shaming the hell out of it. And then eventually just refused to do a damn thing more.
Those bitches seriously just gave out.
They would not support me.
And then we finished it out with WO2.
And bear crawls are slightly less awful than crab walks.
I think it’s a weight distribution thing.
And I almost made it through. Before the end of class.
But sweet mother my arms just could not longer support my body weight.
So when the timer went off. Signaling the end of class. I was done.
“NOOOO!!! You finish your last lap!”
And so I crawled my way back. To the other end of the damn room.
It was not fine. I was not fine. Everything was absolutely not fine.
So when I showed up at Starr Hill. For the pub run. I was definitely only there for the tacos. And beer.
And puppy cuddles.
And I’m totally ok with spending the run. Not running.
Because ima be recovering from this shit for a minute.
So, anyway. This is probably the last blog post I’ll write. Because I have to retire from writing now. Because J-V is the Leo-est Christmas baby I’ve ever met. And the blog attention fuels him. To create increasingly torturous workouts.
But really. Y’all should come check out that free workout on Saturday.