Had my therapy appointment yesterday.
With my therapist who I will refer to as “they.” Because I haven’t figured out their pronouns yet. And I refuse to ask. Because it’s my therapy. And I only want to talk about me during my therapy. And they haven’t asked my pronouns yet either. So I damn sure ain’t asking first. It’s my therapy. Dammit.
So I had my therapy appointment about me yesterday.
In which we had a very awkward conversation…about how awkward I am at conversations…
“So when you say awkward, what do you mean?”
“Ok. So what does weird look like?”
“Uh huh. So what happens when you try to have a conversation with someone?”
Well…Ok…So basically. My mind goes blank. Words just disappear. I think they hide. Behind all of the other clutter in my brain. So I can’t find them. There is a LOT of clutter in there. And I don’t have the energy to look through all that shit. I mean stuff. So I just don’t talk. And I just stare awkwardly at the wall. Or trees. Or other people. Or whatever. Until those other people make eye contact. And I panic. And go back to looking at the wall. Or trees. Or just say that I have to go pee. And leave. Except sometimes. Mostly with strangers. They all come pouring out at once. The words, I mean. And I can’t stop them. Until my friend says “stop talking, Sunshine.” Because I’m telling this poor stranger all of the things about myself. Like showering habits and shit like that. I mean stuff like that. And I’ll keep going. Until someone stops me.
“Ok…you know sometimes it’s ok to just be quiet…”
So, anyway. My therapist tried to get me to go to my friend’s birthday party last night. Kind of test out my anti-anxiety meds and force myself to confront one of my biggest issues.
But what if no one talks to me?
“Then just watch one of the TVs.”
This brewery doesn’t have TVs.
“Then play a game.”
I don’t think there will be games.
“Then just sit quietly with your beer and enjoy your surroundings.”
They didn’t sigh audibly. But I could still hear it.
Anyway. I didn’t go.
I did go to PlayFITStayFIT. Obviously. Because that is basically my only form of socialization right now.
I know how to social during fitness. Mostly.
And when I looked at the board. My arms did sigh audibly. I could definitely hear it. Because it was basically the same workout as Tuesday. Except without the reprieve of any leg exercises to give my arms a rest.
“You can go in whatever order you want. Except Sunshine. You start with pushups.”
It was unnecessary for him to announce that. To the class. I am clear on how this works now.
So I started out. Doing my pushups on my feet. Instead of my knees. For these 100 push-ups. And did the first 25 with absolutely no issues…
I mean, it’s a victory. It’s growth. It’s been a while since I could do that.
Do you know how hard it is to give little J-Vicious that much credit?
It’s very upsetting.
It’s confessions like this is why my words hide.
I don’t think I got through the absolute entire workout. I may have missed one block. As I was giggling at the other athletes telling J-V to be quiet. Even Super Sweet Lady is becoming quite rebellious.
It’s fun to watch.
But I did enough of the workout to fully exhaust myself. And feel some sense of accomplishment.
Which is important. When you’ve failed to take on the challenge your therapist gave you.
So when Fall Risk asked if we were going to the gym tonight.
Obviously. Yes. Yes I will be spending my Friday night at the gym.
It is where I practice my socials.
And I’ve got to build on this momentum I’ve created this week.
And by the end of this summer. Ima be challenging everyone to push up contests.
It’s just how I’m gonna social from now on.
If anyone tries to engage me in conversation.
I’m just gonna say, “let’s see who can do more pushups.” And then just fall to the floor.
Because you don’t have to talk if you’re doing push ups…