Utah National Park Tour: Arches

I just googled how to open a bottle without a bottle opener.

The search returned 13 options.

The one option it didn’t return. Which was the only option that actually worked. Was wandering around camp asking people for a bottle opener.

This particular anecdote is representative. Highly representative. Of how our trip is going so far.

Fall Risk and I flew to Utah. Unchaperoned. To visit a shit ton of national parks.

We kicked off our 5-7 park tour. (I’m not actually clear on how many or which parks we’re visiting. Because I’ve asked not to be responsible for anything. Except the in-car entertainment.) With Arches National Park.

I didn’t really know much about what we were heading into.

I’ma be real. I didn’t even really know Utah was in the desert.

And based on what happened today, I’m gonna say the other one of us didn’t know either.

Because one of us hydrated throughout our travel to Utah. And packed a sufficient amount of hydration.

The other…remember that time Rogue and I did North Fucking Mountain. At noon. In July. With 12 ounces of water?

Yeah.

But it started off nicely.

Once we figured out how to work the car.

Fall Risk brought along a tour guide. We call Mark. To guide us through the parks.

Mark knows a bunch of shit.

So he had us stop at all of the interesting points along the way to our ultimate destination. Delicate Arches. The only place Fall Risk was gonna take us. So thank fuck Mark was with us.

Because we got to see all of this before one of us nearly died in the desert.

So at least we would’ve gone out on a high note.

And I was offering up my photography services. To everyone we passed.

Because that’s how I get people I’ll never see again to like me. And tell me I’m wonderful.

Leo needs to hear she’s wonderful at least daily.

And when I’m photographing strangers. I go all in.

Oh we gonna get that whole arch behind you in this photo.

And we were feeling really good about ourselves.

As we got to the trail to Delicate Arches.

Stopped to see the hippogryphs. Or whatever they’re called. On the way up.

Then we started the climb up.

Only 3 1/2 miles round trip. Psht. Cake.

Except. Desert. Hot. Dry. Lack of water.

Yeah. That shit got pretty dicey.

At one point. On our way up. As we were cowering in near-shade. A seven year old girl. Who was apparently the only human on the mountain that recognized what a bad idea this all was. Was losing all of her shit. And just collapsed. Right beside Fall Risk. I suspect in a show of solidarity.

Just letting the strings of snot and slobber. Fall out of her.

And I wanted to say, oh no, honey. You need those. Suck that liquid back up inside you.

But if she’s anything like me. And I feel like she is. That would’ve just provoked her to direct her homicidal rage at me.

So I just continued to cower in silence.

And you know how. On McAfee. The dumbasses that are on their way down. Will say shit. As they’re watching you struggle your way up. Like “you’re almost there!” And you want to stab them repeatedly? In the throat?

Yeah. Except these dumbasses added more phrases. Like “it’s totally worth it!” And “just around the corner!”

Except they said that shit at every fucking corner. And there were, like, 500 corners.

And someone was absolutely dehydrating.

And a couple of chicks from Philly. Forced their friendship onto us. Lauren and Elizabeth.

After I offered to take their picture.

Because Leo.

And so they attached to us.

Until they realized that we probably weren’t gonna survive this.

So they took one last photo of us. With Lauren’s phone. And she said she’d text it to me when we were finished.

But I’m pretty sure they just wanted something to show the search crews.

Which was fair.

Because we were running out of water. And shade. There is no fucking shade in the desert.

Like, this is the shit we were cowering under. Trying to get our body temperatures. And heart rates down.

And we were wearing long pants. Because we didn’t want to be chilly. In the 70 degree desert.

Which is a bullshit temperature gauge.

Utans need to be clearer about their weather reports.

Because 70 degrees in the desert. Is like 180 degrees on the rest of planet earth.

But we finally. Finally. Rounded corner number 576.

And there it was. The Delicate Arch.

Yep.

Sure did push through a near death experience for a new profile pic.

But we made it back.

Telling all the assholes on their way up that they were almost there. Just around the corner. It’s totally worth it.

And once we got out of the park. We went to the store for two gallons of water. And other various liquids.

Including beer.

Which…

No, it’s fine. There are plenty of people here with bottle openers. It’s ok that I don’t have that skill set.

We’re gonna be doing all the peeing tomorrow. When we visit Canyonlands.

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