Ok. Allow me to preface this one with…I was hungry…
Also. I was a band kid in high school. I love band kids.
What I don’t love. Is having my feeding process delayed.
For any reason.
And I’m already a little on edge this week. Trying to balance truancy. With fall SOL testing week.
And Invisible Roommate is fighting with his girlfriend. Which…
We’re gonna come back to that.
First let me explain. How I almost got arrested tonight.
Went to the Walmarts. Because I’m not speaking to the Kroger’s right now. After they gave my food. My alcohol. To someone else.
And I’m a little confused. As to why there’s so much traffic backed up on whatever road that is. In front of the Vinton Walmarts.
But I fight my way in.
And start ducking through my back streets. Like I’m smarter than the rest of these dumbasses. That are just sitting on whatever road that is. Waiting to make their way home.
But then I hit a road block. And have to turn back. Towards the traffic.
Ok. Clearly we’re celebrating December in downtown Vinton tonight. Fine.
So, again. Because I’m smarter than the rest of these dumbasses. I think I’ll duck on around a few other side streets and get out over on whatever that other road is. That runs in front of my apartment.
Except. Ok. So that’s also where we’re celebrating December.
We apparently have to shut down the entirety of Vinton. For one tiny little parade.
A little notice would have been nice. But cool. I’m an adult. I can adapt.
Also I’m smarter than the rest of these dumbasses. I can just find my way around and come in from the other side. Of whatever road that is. That runs in front of my apartment.
Except I don’t know these other roads. And it’s dark. And there are pedestrians. And dogs. Just randomly walking into the street. And y’all. My vision ain’t right after dark.
And I’m hungry.
And Waze’s dumbass doesn’t realize there’s a parade tonight. So she keeps trying to guide me right back into it.
And I start to think maybe I can just wait it out.
Siri, what time does the Vinton Christmas Parade start?
It was only 6pm.
I’d started this journey at 5:30pm.
Why. In fuck. Have we shut all of society down. An hour and a half. Before this shit is even scheduled to start???
So, clearly that’s not an option.
I can’t not eat for that long.
So I continue my panicked weaving through the unknown streets of Vinton. Becoming increasingly manic.
And finally take my ass alllll the way into Roanoke. So I can circle back. And get into my apartment. From the backside.
But then I got to the last traffic light. Right before my apartment. And…
They had that shit blocked off just enough to keep me out of my home.
And I was hungry. And manic. And I’m not gonna lie. I think there may be some hormones happening.
Because my highly compliant, law abiding ass said, fuck this police barricade. And rolled right on around it.
Right on up to my apartment.
Right on up to…the police officer.
Standing there with his arms crossed. Blocking my entry. Looking very…arresty.
But also. It’s parade night. What’s he gonna do. Delay the parade so he can call a squad car in to come pick me up?
So obviously I lost all of my shit on him.
I’m certain I said the phrase “I’m just so hungry!!” Like five times.
Like, well beyond the point at which he said, “Alright. I’m gonna let you go.”
Because…you’re gonna let me go? Into my own fucking apartment??
I didn’t. I didn’t say that to him.
But I wanted to.
But I was hungry. And I’ve worked corrections. They’re not gonna feed me in a holding cell.
So I got home. At six fucking thirty. PM. And immediately took in some emergency beer carbs.
And Work Boyfriend sends me a Snapchat. Of her Beautiful little one. Enjoying the parade.
And all my petty ass could do. Was send back a five snap tirade about how much I hate this stupid town. And it’s stupid parade.
And I’m sitting my dumbass up in my bedroom window.
Because at least if I’m gonna go through the drama I just went through. I’m gonna see a fucking phenomenal parade. Like, some next level parade shit.
And I had to wait. ForEVER. Because we were at the end of the parade route.
And these mother fuckers. Had the nerve. To stop performing. Right before they got to my apartment.
Like. Not even a cadence. From a drum line.
When I was in marching band. Our drum line ran the cadence. Until we got our asses back to the bus.
But nah. I didn’t even get that.
He’s been breaking up with his girlfriend. For the past week.
And tonight. Bless his little wannabe gangsta heart.
He opened up his apartment door and yelled, “If anyone’s got a problem! They can come see me in 228!!”
And I’m not sure who he was talking to. I assume someone’s been complaining to management about him.
Not me. I just complain to y’all about him.
But I almost did. Go see him.
Because I’ve got some problems…
We’ve spent the last three hours managing what I believe may be the final step in the breakup. With indoor heels/outdoor bare feet girl.
She packed her shit up. Loudly. And just left.
With the puppy, I assume. Which makes us kind of sad.
BuI we’re coping.
Pretty sure he’s on his way outside to smoke some weed.
Because doing that inside would be disrespectful.
And I’m just in here writing to y’all about him.
Because telling this story to his face would be disrespectful.
And I am all about respect tonight.