I have spent the past 15 hours either sleeping. Or collecting food. For tomorrow.
I’ve done precious little actual human communication.
Because I’ve spent most of the past week doing too much of the wrong kind of communication.
Arguing with the wrong people over the wrong things.
Or trying desperately to communicate with the right people about the right things.
Saying goodbye to people I love and respect.
And trying to work out in my brain why, exactly, I hate my job so much right now.
Because the issues aren’t necessarily new.
There are more of them.
Like…way more of them.
But they’re not new.
The stress isn’t new.
There is more of it.
Like…way more of it.
But it’s not new.
I still love the people I work with.
I still love working with the kids.
None of that has changed.
I think what is new is this feeling.
Of being wildly overworked while also being massively underutilized and undervalued at the same time.
Because I’m doing work.
So much work.
But the work I’m doing has no meaning. I mean, maybe it should. The truancy aspect should. It should be helping get kids back on track. But it doesn’t. Because I’m entirely ineffective at it. Even with all of the arguing. With the wrong people. And communicating. With the right people.
The testing aspect will never have meaning. Because testing.
But in the past, I’ve at least managed to make up for all of this in other ways. By reading. Writing. Running. Learning. Volunteering.
This year. Particularly this past month. I haven’t had the mental energy to do any of that.
Any extra energy I have has to be put towards the other jobs required to supplement the insufficient salary society has deemed appropriate for the people in charge of developing the entire future.
I’ve tried taking sick days as often as possible.
Even schedule them on my calendar.
So people know what to expect.
Because too much work.
The octopus knows. He hasn’t seen his happy side in months.
And that rose. Dead like my soul.
Y’all. I’m salty AF these days.
I don’t like being salty AF.
I like being fun. And witty. And charming.
I can’t be those things right now.
It’s Spring Break, though. Finally.
And maybe I can wash some of this salt off. And find the will to go back. After break.
I don’t have a lot of confidence that I’ll find the will.
But Lagertha. And my mortgage. Are pretty sure I will.
So, to try to make that happen. I’ve decided to kick off Spring Break by running my Blue Ridge Virtual Double Marathon tomorrow.
I mean, I didn’t decide so much as Beautiful Beastie told me that I will run my Blue Ridge Virtual Double Marathon tomorrow.
And since I don’t have the brain space to make choices. I just do what I’m told.
Honestly, if I hadn’t been told when. And where. And what time. And given an entire plan. I probably just wouldn’t do it at all.
I would just spend the entirety of the next week in my bed. Surrounded by my books. And cats.
I was directed to assemble food supplies today.
And to send them for approval.
And now I have all of my clothes. And food. And hydration pack loaded into my car.
And my alarm set for 2:30. In the fucking morning.
And while I am not even a little excited about waking up that early.
I am oddly comforted about spending the entire damn day out on the mountains tomorrow.
And make no mistake. This will take me all. damn. day.
And two entire bottles of ibuprofen.
Because I am absolutely not in ultra condition.
I collapsed into a chair in the main office on Thursday afternoon. After spending the day walking around classrooms proctoring tests.
And a teacher. Asked if I was ok.
No, dude. I’m not. I’m not in teaching condition. I’m not built to do the stuff y’all do. My feet hurt. And my back. And my head. I’m not made for this. I need my desk. Or a mountain.
Because being on your feet all day in a classroom is not the same as being on your feet all day on a mountain.
But just knowing that I’ll watch the sunrise on the mountain tomorrow. And smell the trees all day. And not spend a single moment looking at a computer screen. Makes me feel entirely salt-free.
Like, just low sodium AF.
I know it’s going to hurt. A lot. And it’s going to be challenging. As hell.
But there’s just so much happiness in the mountains. I’m gonna go get some of it tomorrow.