9 To 5

I’ve never heard anyone actually tumble out of bed and stumble to the kitchen. Until Aggressive Walker moved in upstairs. I thought Dolly was just exaggerating shit. Like I do. But no. 9 to 5 is a real condition. And my neighbor has it. He falls. A lot. At least three times a day. I’m … Continue reading 9 To 5

Colds Are No Longer Common

I’m dying. “You’re not dying.” It feels like I’m dying. This is definitely what death feels like. “I doubt that death feels like that.” I finally understand what men have been experiencing for thousands of years. I called in sick to work. It was supposed to be a mental health day. Because even though we’ve … Continue reading Colds Are No Longer Common

Poison Response

My apologies to the people I’ve ignored this weekend. I’ve spent most of it in a Benadryl-fueled haze of calamine lotion and poison ivy google searches. Which. Probably don’t ever start googling things that have the word rash in them. There are images you can’t unsee. I just put Godiva chocolate liqueur in my coffee … Continue reading Poison Response

Working Out With My Gram Grams

I’d like to talk to someone about getting a punch card, please. “Ok. I can help you with that. What questions do you have?” …I would like to know if I can get a punch card, please? “Oh. Yeah. Sure. People just usually have questions about how the punch card works.” I mean…I come to … Continue reading Working Out With My Gram Grams

That Time I Accidentally Ran 22 Miles

“Oh, you’ve got this nice gymnasium floor.” And I do. It is cool. But dude works here. And I was probably the fifth gymnasium apartment he’d visited. The floor was not a new experience for him. The problem was. I forgot that maintenance was coming through to check the sprinklers. And I’m currently unemployed. So … Continue reading That Time I Accidentally Ran 22 Miles

How My Gyms Are Failing Me

“Ok! Here’s the workout! Sunshine! Put your phone down!” It’s work. I need to respond to this. “Put it down. Now.” Just. I just have to answer this question for them real quick. “Do any of your other five gyms let you use your phone during workouts?” I mean, I sit the phone right beside … Continue reading How My Gyms Are Failing Me

Its Called Supplementing

I’ve been told that I’m not allowed to complain. Or whine. About being sore. I was also accused of cheating. Which is absurd. Because I do not have the energy or motivation required to cheat. I’m not known for managing even one man’s drama. I sure as fuck ain’t tryin to manage two. Or more. … Continue reading Its Called Supplementing

They Say It’s Good Luck

Apparently if I don’t write about things. People don’t believe they actually happened. So, I got shit on by a bird. Tuesday. At yoga. I was there at rooftop yoga. Which is generally cool. Because you can see the mountains surrounding the bowl that is Roanoke. From up on top of Center in the Square. … Continue reading They Say It’s Good Luck

Sometimes I Wear Pants

“Good morning, Sunshine! You look nice today!” …Thanks…I mean I’m just…wearing pants? I guess that’s…kind of fancy? But thanks… “No, you just usually…I don’t ever see you wearing…pants…” …Ok. That’s fair. I just…pants are usually so hard to wear. With their unreasonable buttons and shit. But I’ve recently managed enough gym time. And running time. … Continue reading Sometimes I Wear Pants