So, I’ve been trying to talk myself out of a really just pissy attitude for a few weeks now. I keep chalking it up to hormones, but really it’s a combination of things. Frustrating and unsatisfying work that doesn’t even begin to pay the bills. Lack of money. Lack of opportunity. Student loans, man. What the hell is up with student loans? And can I get an internet service that will just let me watch the damn game clearly enough to see the score???
Ok. So, all first world crap. Nothing devastating. I’ve got friends and family struggling with debilitating and life threatening illnesses. Loss. Watching their children struggle just to breath. I’ve got friends working with kids experiencing the most horrific nightmares on a daily basis. I’ve got friends that are in constant pain. It never goes away. And I know there is so much more pain and evil and ugly out there in the world that I don’t have to worry about in my privileged world.
I really am blessed. I know that.
And I work very hard to acknowledge that on a daily basis. And damn isn’t it a shame that it’s something I have to work at?
But you know, I would really, really just like for things to be easy for a little while.
Wait. No. I would like things to just be easy. Like, forever. Cause I’m pretty sure if things got easy for a little while and then went back to this crap, I’d be too angry and resentful to even deal with myself. Y’all sure as hell wouldn’t want to deal with me.
I think I have a point here. Hold on.
So, first. For all of those people that might be doing that whole life comparison thing based on the crap that I post on social media, I think it’s important for you to know that it’s not all midnight runs and polar plunges. I have an amazing life filled with amazing people giving me amazing experiences and I like to share those experiences because I want other people to have the same. And I feel pretty confident that my way is the best way to do that (by becoming a runner, if that’s not obvious). But you should also understand that I also experience a lot of frustration and sadness and desperation and just basic adulting type stress. And that’s probably true of all the folks that have these shiny happy Facebook lives. So, just stop comparing. I’m ridiculous and not often in a good way. The grass isn’t greener over here. It’s actually pretty brown. Mostly it’s just dead. I’ve got a dog. He pees a lot and he likes to spread his pee around. It’s his yard. Whatever. Less to mow.
Second, though, I think it’s also ok to get in my feelings every now and then when life just refuses (and I mean absolutely REFUSES) to do what I’d like it to. I’m fully aware of my blessings and I’m fully grateful for every one of them. But damn, I’d love to be able to stop begging life to stop being such a b-word. Seriously, life. Get your shit together.
And, so, I want you to be aware that it’s ok to do the same. Brene’ Brown calls this whining with perspective. Or something like that. I think she probably puts it more eloquently, but that’s the gist. And she’s, like, a doctor. So if SHE says it’s ok, then it’s ok. So, I’m just gonna go with the wallowing in my sadness tonight. Maybe tomorrow one thing will go right and it will start a sort of snowball effect. And if not, I at least get to hang out and run with my Heart & Sole girls for a while and that will at least help me get my head straight for a little while.
Because I do know that it will all work out. I don’t need anyone to express sympathies or offer prayers. I won’t refuse them, but they are unnecessary. My life is mostly good. Just a little stressful. But if you’d like to wallow down here in the pity area with me for a bit, you’re welcome to. I know many of you could use a little wallow. It feels kinda good. We say mean things about life and make crank calls to her boyfriend’s house.