So, I’m not alone, right?
Things have just gone to shit for everyone, right?
I missed my own birthday party this weekend.
I mean, I didn’t know it was my birthday party. When I missed it.
But it was. And I did.
I had reasons. Fully legit reasons.
But mostly, everything has just spiraled out of control.
And the problem is that it all seems to be spiraling out of control for a lot of people.
Like, even for my stable people. My stabilizers.
So I can’t even really hold onto them to keep from getting swallowed up in the spiral.
Because then we’re just spiraling together.
Which sounds like way more fun than it actually is.
And some of y’all appear to be holding your shit together way too well. And I’m finding it both reassuring. And obnoxious.
Like, ain’t no way 2020 has left any of y’all unscathed. Break the fuck down with me!
But also some of y’all way too far out of control.
2020 has shown me some things about some people that I was so ok being blissfully unaware of.
And for a minute, I held onto some friendships in hopes that allowing them to get insights into different perspectives. In easily digestible bite-sized bits. Would help them shift their thinking. Even a little. And offer me some insights into theirs. In case I’m actually wrong about some things.
Because making the world a little better for my kids is worth that stress.
But damn y’all. Some of y’all just way too far gone into the crazy ugly. I just can’t hold onto that hope anymore. My hands are too full holding onto all of the other things. I gotta let those folks go.
And it does feel remarkably better to hide them from your social media.
So. Fucking. Freeing.
It also allows me to focus on all this other shit I’m trying to manage.
Remember back? When I was feeling irrelevant? Like a week ago?
So, I really did spend the summer panicking. That we could not possibly expect students to take standardized tests this year. Or comply with attendance requirements. And assuming, like everyone else apparently, that I would quickly be out of a job.
I don’t do well with irrelevance.
I hustle like crazy for my self-worth.
I know. Super healthy.
So I did two things when I was in that place.
I signed up to volunteer for Blue Ridge Literacy. Tutoring English Language Learners.
And…*sigh*…I petitioned to re-enroll in my PhD program…
Even typing that pisses my brain off.
But look. Do you have any idea the amount of debt one can accumulate from a PhD program?
I could have a second home.
Hell, I could have two modest-size second homes.
And all I have to complete is that stupid dissertation.
If I’m gonna walk around with an imaginary second home. I at least wanna be able to make people call me doctor.
Because that is the only thing a PhD offers. The title of doctor.
And a shitload of stress.
Anyway. So I’m back at work.
And the governing agencies. In all of their wisdom. Have decided that yes, we are going to require students to take the standardized tests this year. Because that’s the kind of shit our teachers and children should be focused on right now. Playing that dumbass game.
And that shit is stressful in a normal year.
But this year brings all kinds of new challenges along with it.
I’m not gonna get into those. Because I’m not emotionally prepared to fully process the hostility that thinking about all of this evokes in my brain.
She’s still pissed off about the PhD thing.
Because those mother fuckers approved my petition…
They said, yep. You sure can come on back into the hell that is the dissertation process.
And to remind you just what level of bullshit this process is. Let’s kick it off with you finding a brand new dissertation committee.
So work is gonna be…busy…until, like, June.
And there’s maybe all kinds of other major shit occurring in life right now. That I’m just kind of maniacally laughing myself through.
And what in fuck was I actually thinking.
Taking on a new volunteer venture. And that mother fucking dissertation.
So I am placing a moratorium on major life choices. A waiver. All of the waivers. For everyone. All of us. We all get waivers.
I’ve decided that we just don’t have to make major life choices this year.
2020 has proven itself incapable of supporting a damn one of any of our life choices.
So we’re just not.
We’re just all gonna ignore the hell out of 2020. And all of the major life bullshit it brings along.
I mean, if we all refuse to participate, what can it do to us?
No. That’s not…
Fuck it. Whatever.
And we’re gonna demand that 2021 comes at us right. And knows how to act. Or we’ll ignore that bitch, too. And skip right on over to 2022. And keep skipping. Until we find a year that isn’t a total asshole.
Or the Mayans. Maybe we’ll just find the Mayans.
…or am I overreacting…?
Also, we’re gonna vote. Mailboxes or not. We’re gonna fucking vote.